Give A Little Love

I came across this website and it allows other people whom remain anonymous to send you a constructive/nice message. So I decided to sign up for it, so far no messages but then again it hasn’t been long since I’ve posted my page on a social media platform. I figured I would share it as well. Maybe leave some love, or yourself sign up and also receive some love.

https://courtenaysutton.sarahah.com/

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The Wedding

Questions And Second Guessing Your Decisions On Every Detail

Weeks leading up the wedding your always wondering questions, did I count the final number rights, does the timeline fit with everything else. What about that seating chart? Does everything look right? Can everyone get into the reception long before guests arrive? … These are a just a few questions racking my head as the weeks, than days leading up until my wedding. Over all everything was taken care of and I finally stopped stressing out so much.

The Night Before

The night before the wedding we had to decorate the hall for the reception. We didn’t go over the top but it was beautiful, everyone was there to help, my mom dad and step mom, my maid of honor and bridesmaid. Arthur’s main family and a few close friends. There was also the caterer to set up tables.

They say bad weather before your wedding is a good omen, I know that to be true now as of the night before while we were decorating we had a gorgeous thunder and lightning show.

Now The Wedding Day

Let me begin with, everything went without a hitch minus me almost tripping behind the altar to sign the register but apparently no one knew. Things over all could have gone worse.

The day started bright and early to meet with my maid of honor and bridesbride and soon to be future mother in law and mom to go and get pretty. 9am, my photographer was already there, soon after my flower girl came with her mom and Aunt. It was in full swing, pictures being taken, hair and make up, and even 7 year olds putting my wedding shoes on for the fun of it.

We decided to get ready at my mother in laws house because it is bigger and they don’t have animals so it was best not to walk down the aisle with my dogs black fur all over me. We ate, chatted, people started to come to get ready. I know my dress was taken for a grand tour getting pictures done outside. It was fun.

Everyone was beginning to get ready, my dad and step mom showed up because A. It’s customary for your father to drive you to the church and B. I wanted a picture of me (very confusingly at first) trying to put out his boutineer lol. I’m sure we got some great photos but I’ve never done one before so it was pretty foreign to me.

When I finally got ready after having someone help me into my dress, yeah you always need help but it’s a lot harder than it seems. I put my jewelry on, and I was amazed. I looked exactly how I wanted to. I felt beautiful. The photographer at this point had made my dad go out on the deck so he could be surprised (that’s when the boutineer happened) but us girls had our photos taken in different spots.

Dad, my maid of honor, bridesmaid and I in dad’s truck, we were off to the church. I’m known for never being on time, so I was pretty proud that I had minutes to spare before the wedding. Everyone knew how to enter as we had just a rehearsal 2 days before the wedding. Everything went great. My dad and mom walked me down the aisle, it was more than I could have asked for.

The ceremony was beautiful and I had a niece and close family friend read as well. It was a Catholic wedding without mass, so pretty straight forward. If you’re not sure, it’s basically readings and psalms. If we had a mass it would have been much much longer.

After the ceremony, we had pictures taken, and then the reception! We had a grand entrance, hey, it’s our wedding day so might as well do everything fun and great! The reception was great, food, some games, dancing and all around a good time with friends and family. A teacher of mine even stopped over during the reception to see me, it meant a lot to me that she did that. We got a few pictures taken together as well.

All in all, the day was great, it was a perfect day weather and wedding wise. The only thing I found is that it went by way too quickly for me. Although we will have pictures of that day to look at and the memories.

My Story..

Not too long ago a friend of mine is doing a project to give to Jared Padalecki in April, she asked us for our story, simply, our life with our mental illness, how Jared himself has helped, and how our family (AKF- Always Keep Fighting) has helped us. I gave her my story after having a few people read it to see if it was good. I got a lot of good responses on it so I decided to post it on my blog for others to see. Hopefully it can help someone, maybe they will reach out or maybe no one will read it so it will be put into cyber-internet for no one to see.. Either way, here it goes.

 

I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia, and most recently PTSD.

In March,2010 I was currently working at a call center for Philips Products. I loved my job and looked forward to going each day. A few weeks before April I started having nightmares, they were when I was travelling to work by city transit, which is what I always did so it was nothing foreign to me. In my nightmare when the bus was travelling over the Reversing Falls Bridge the bus would go off the road towards the cliff and we would go over, I’d wake up then. I should have taken it as a warning but I didn’t think much of it.

About a week after the dreams started when I started taking the bus I would get really nervous and my hands would be sweaty. Once I did the transfer to the other bus that went towards my work it was a few short minutes than I would be fine, after work taking the bus was fine, I was having no issues.

Usually around that time of year work was really slow so we were allowed to call in before shift to see if they needed us, if not we were allowed the day off without pay. I was hoping to get this day off because my mother and I were supposed to go to the mall where I transferred buses so I could pick something out for a dress I was going to be wearing to a graduation of a friend. To my luck, it wasn’t busy and was able to have the day off.

My mother and I took the bus to the mall, the same bus I took to go to work before transferring, around the same time on the bus my hands got sweaty and I tried to focus on something else. It always worked in the past, but it didn’t feel right this time. The feeling which I now know as anxiety went away and we arrived at the mall. When we got the mall I started feeling the anxiety again and told my mom I needed to use the bathroom. I raced towards the bathroom and went into the stall. I sat down and tried to will the feeling to go away but it just got worse. I was getting sweatier, my vision didn’t feel right, like I couldn’t focus on anything, my stomach was doing flips, my heart felt like it was going to burst from my chest. My mother at this time came in to see what was taking so long, I felt embarrassed because there was other ladies in the stalls and I could only yell out that I would be another minute. When I finally thought, I could get this under control and everything in my body calmed down I came out and told my mom what had happened. We walked up the hall towards a store and it all rushed back into my body and I started freaking out, I told my mom that I was going to go outside for a smoke, she was preoccupied and I don’t think she really heard me. I ran outside tears streaming down my eyes, my body shaking, and all the other things I felt in the stall were happening. I remember the time, it was shortly after 12pm because my dad was on lunch at work. I called him and told him what was happening, he stayed on the phone with me listening to me and trying to keep me calm. He told me to call a cab and go back to my moms. After he let me go I remember seeing a construction worker watching me and thinking if something happens he will see. I called the cab and it arrived within minutes. I didn’t even think about my mom. I was running towards to the cab to jump in and mom yelling out my name running after me. She got into the cab and she was clearly upset with me, I told the cab driver where to go. In 10 minutes, we were home. I paid and ran into the apartment. My mom yelled and she didn’t understand what was going on, I tried to explain but she didn’t understand. I felt very sick to my stomach. Every day after that for a week I called in sick because I was scared to leave the house. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. After 2 weeks my father came by and told me we were going to see my doctor. I was clearly not doing well and he needed to know what was wrong. The 20 minute drive felt like forever and I was constantly drinking water because it felt like that was the only thing I could do to keep calm. My doctor diagnosed me with severe anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I was given medication and a follow up with a doctors note stating I was off of work for four months on medical leave.

Ultimately, I was also diagnosed with agoraphobia, I lost my job in November,2010 because I was hardly able to stay at work long enough without having another attack.

They were constantly changing my medication and I was seeing a mental health worker. I was put on medical leave until further notice.

I suffered with it in silence for years because neither my parents or friends understood what I was going through. One day while just browsing Facebook for Supernatural related things I came across a group called AKF Always Keep Fighting. I requested to join, and immediately found what I needed, a FAMILY. Hundreds of other people who were going through what I was. I found a place where I felt I belong. I was never turned away or felt unwanted. I knew Jared Padalecki suffered from a mental illness but I never knew he had shirts/sweaters/tanks through a website that helped. I missed the first one, and everyone after that I had gotten a hoodie from his campaigns. I even got one from Jim Beaver’s campaign that had said “Family don’t end in blood.” All these sweaters were very important to me and I learned more about TWLOHA. Jared became more than just actor, he became some one I could relate to because he never hid his mental illness. It was something everyone in our SPN family could relate to and become apart of. Those hoodies meant the world to me, knowing I was apart of a fandom, a family, a collective support group.

Over the years from 2010 I was able to do more things but still suffer, I went to see a therapist and through a lot of hard work I had repressed memories from when I was child. I had always suffered from mental illness, I remember having panic attacks as a child and anxiety. It was a breakthrough but also a set back because I my brain had supressed memories and now they were haunting me.

In November 2015, I moved from Saint John, NB to Fort McMurray, AB, in May 2016 there was a wildfire that reached the town. I moved back home and seen someone and learned I had PTSD. I had lost everything in the fire. All my hoodies from the campaigns, things I can’t replace from family that is now gone.

My SPN family rushed to my side and people donated money to me to help me get back on my feet. I was overwhelmed with support from people all over the world. Even though I was going through a devastating time there was my family, supporting me, pushing me through. 

I couldn’t be more thankful to Jared, to my SPN family, the people I became close to over the years. The people who no matter what I share everything with and help. To these people, they have changed my life for the better, even when I feel like I can’t go on. I think of these people who help me push forward. I hope to meet Jared one day and be able to thank him in person for what he was done for me even though he doesn’t know. My story is far from over and I’m still trying to cope with everything but I’ve learned to be more open about my illness, I speak about it with people who are just learning about it. I lost all my friends when mine became too much and no one wanted to deal with me. I’ve learned it’s ok to have set backs, it’s ok to need help. It’s to Always Keep Fighting.

13 Reasons, Suicide

NORTHERN-SUICIDEFor Suicide Rates in Canada click this link http://www.statcan.gc.ca/tables-tableaux/sum-som/l01/cst01/hlth66a-eng.htm

For Suicide Rates in the US click this link https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/

I’ve been debating for a while now whether or not to blog about the book/Netflix series Thirteen Reasons Why, it’s a bit of two-sided coin so to say. I personally watched the show first than read the book, the show was raw, emotional, and heartbreaking, as for the book it was emotional but I found the series to be more.

If you’ve watched the series or read the book than you know what is all about. Suicide. Yes, I said it. Suicide. Most shocking, suicide in teens. The fall out of everything that can lead up to it and showing how people are left to figure out how it happened. There isn’t much talk about mental health in my personal opinion, depression and other mental illnesses have made there way from being taboo although suicide is still a hush subject. It should be more talked about, there shouldn’t be a taboo on the subject because in fact, a lot of people think about it or take action.

So lets take a moment to talk about it shall we? Personally, I have suicide idealization. For years I kept that hidden in a vault never to speak about it, but over the past few years I did start talking about to people I trusted. Than to my doctor. I’ve had huge support and I’ve also had jabs thrown at me, usually the most hurtful are “why would you have anything to be suicidal about?” First off, please don’t say that to someone, it’s hurtful and in some cases can lead to something. Secondly, be supportive, even if you don’t get it, be there. Suggest speaking to a doctor or someone they trust. Even though most people (suicidal or not) do know that suicide doesn’t fix the problem, but they don’t see the light at the end. They don’t see that there is support, they aren’t trying to figure out the future. We will reach out for help but if it goes unnoticed we’ll feel like we are burden to people, that we don’t matter. I’ve lost friends to suicide, I have and still deal with suicide on my own end. It’s not easy, its a long hard road. It’s something people don’t want to talk about, there are hundreds of excuses we can come up with to avoid the subject. DON’T.

Back to the show, watching the show I couldn’t stop watching, but at the same time, knew what Hannah was thinking, now my better judgement told me not to watch it, but I did. The feelings, past and present that came up and all but flooded me. It was in a way a trigger, I hope you know what I mean by that. It was a show that needed to be put out there, it is something that speaks volumes all on its own, so I’m not going to be critic here. You either liked it, or you didn’t. You either get it, or you don’t. I will say that suicide happens way too often and it needs to be discussed more. There are support groups on the internet, doctors, trusted friends, and so forth. Talking about it is the first step to getting help.

You owe it to yourself to seek help.

If you are in Canada and find yourself in a situation please click on the link, it gives hotlines to your province if you need help if you are thinking about suicide.

http://suicideprevention.ca/need-help/

 

If you are in the US and find yourself in a situation, please call the National Suicide Hotline which connects you to the nearest crisis centre.

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

 

Life In 2017 So Far With a Bit Of 2016 Thrown In

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I should be writing more into my blog, as there is so much I want type but I never do, I have the app on my phone as well as my tablet. I have a computer, so why is it I never write? I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t write is because I’m so worried about what other people will think of me. I think maybe it’s because my thoughts and rants will make people think less of me somehow. This isn’t how I wanted to start my first blog of the year, so let us get on with my true purpose for this blog.

We’re only 13 days into the new year, and so far it’s been pretty good. Back track a bit into 2016, my dog Trapper turned 1 in October, he was spoiled during his birthday.PC240222.JPG

Christmas was also a really good time, it’s the last Christmas as a “single” person with my dad and family. My dad made it really special, it wasn’t like other past Christmas’ before, so I really reveled in it. My uncle Bob was over, my brother Scott his fiancé Reeva and my niece Sarah came over for the day and had dinner. I don’t normally don’t get to see them so I was extremely happy to have them there. I took a few pictures of Christmas, here are a few.

Those are some of the photo’s I took on Christmas day. Funny enough my brother, uncle and dad all bought each other the same jacket. Apparently everyone had the same idea.

Shortly before Christmas Arthur and I had our engagement photos done by Pristine Photography. Here is a couple of them. She’s an amazing person and amazing to work with as well.

My fiancée was home until the 7th of January which was nice to have him home for 3 weeks, he is now back in Alberta working, sadly I won’t see him until June. Since we are getting married in New Brunswick I have to stay here to work on the wedding and meet with people still. Our wedding is in July, the day is coming closer than I can imagine. My wedding dress is suppose to come in next month sometime, which I’m extremely excited for, fittings and seeing it again, and also the shoes I have for my dress, it’s going to be more real than it was before. I’m taking my mom to pick up my dress since my dad doesn’t want to see the dress until the day of, which I really like.  Since my fiancée was home we were able to get him fitted for his tux, pick out our wedding bands and also meet with the Father. I got readings approved for the wedding, which is a great relief so I was able to send out the readings to my niece and a family friend Alyson.

Since we aren’t very far into the new year there hasn’t been a lot of stuff that has gone on day to day. Overall, I’m assuming this year will go by very fast, with a lot of ups and I’m sure stress.

 

Also check out the “About Me” section as I’ve added other ways you can follow me on different social media platforms.

If You Look At Me

If you look at me, I look like an average 27 year old, I’m engaged, I do things that you would normally expect. If you look at me closely, you can see me fidget, my eyes flickering, I’m sweating, I look nervous. If you could look through my eyes you would see I don’t feel like an average 27 year old, I feel like I don’t belong in my own body, I feel life has thrown me a huge curve ball that I can’t ditch.
You see, I suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and recently diagnosed with PTSD. I also have an under active thyroid, acid reflex, BPD, and insomnia. That is a lot under a belt of a young woman; I haven’t been able to work in 6 years due to my mental illness. I’ve suffered from panic attacks and depression since I was little but went undiagnosed until 2010, in May of this year my city Fort McMurray burnt, I lost my home, I lost everything. I was diagnosed with PTSD in July of 2016.
Many people don’t see me as I feel, they don’t understand. I try and explain but most times I get confused looks or an apologetic smile. There are people who I thought I could count on have now abandoned me, think my mental illness is nothing but ‘in my head’ and I should be able to live a normal life. It’s because if you look at me, you don’t see an illness, you just see me. Someone who can keep a conversation if I try, go to places if my day is ok, someone who is always there for people regardless and try to help people as much as I can.
The thing is, you don’t see the amount of pills I have to take everyday just get through that day, you don’t see my mind turning a million miles a minute going through every scenario when you ask me to go to the mall because I’m scared my anxiety and panic attacks will show up. If you look at me, really look at me and get to know me you know easy decisions are big decisions for me to make. I can’t just get up and go out to a market, or go out for a walk, my mental illness keeps me prisoner of most things. With a lot of help in the past 6 years I can do small stores now. That is a big achievement and while most people think nothing of going to your local drug store that was and sometimes still is a huge thing for me.
But if you look at me, you won’t see all of this, you’ll see me and how I appear on the outside, but if you know me and look at me you will see I’m trying to battle my mental illness, that I do it every day multiple times through out the day, and I am not just my illness, I am a fighter.

Family Don’t End In Blood

Not to long after the fire had hit (in some cases within hours) I had an overwhelming amount of support, not only from some of my family but others as well…

I’m apart of a group called ‘AKF’ which is Always Keep Fighting. To me, this isn’t just any group, it is a family. This family was brought together from a television show called Supernatural, from that one of the main characters Sam Winchester (Jared Padalecki) is an avid supporter of TWLOHA.* Jared does amazing work, creates campaigns, and speaks out about various causes. More importantly, his courage, strength, he speaks out about his own personal struggles with his mental illness, and his ability to push through whatever task is before him, is in a way what created Always Keep Fighting.

Everyone is our family is battling a mental illness, physical illness, struggles on a daily basis, and even multiple things at once. I’m so lucky to know these people, to have them behind me. It is a safe place to let out what you’re feeling no matter what that may be, there is never any judgment. You can always count on them to encourage and help you out along the way.

This family is where I immediately (without mentioning) got an overwhelming amount of love and support. They seen what was happening on the news in my home city and Facebook, I got messages, thoughts, anything you could imagine, it was there.

It doesn’t stop there with my family, after I had posted that Arthur and I had lost our house, without me knowing set up a fund for me to help me get basic things that I had lost. (Did I mention that they can be very sneaky?) People sent money, then Claudia had sent it to me. Can you believe it? I couldn’t at first, it was so overwhelming, I never expected this. It didn’t stop there there, once I had got to my temporary home, I was getting cards, letters, and even books! I even got a very special bracelet that Ronni gave me.

Almost 2 months after the fire I’m still getting letters, cards, well wishes via Facebook.  There has been so many people who have and keep continuing to keep me in their thoughts and prayers. They have wished me nothing but happiness and than some.

These people are the type of people who the world needs more of. The world needs more love, encouragement, strength and selflessness. My family has shown me time and time again  (not just with me) that ‘Family Don’t End In Blood.)** that no matter what I or anyone else is going through they are there, day or night. They will sit up with you, talk, and calm you down. This is what the world needs more of.

I can’t show enough thanks to them, that I can’t even begin to show them what they mean to me and how appreciate how they helped me through the worst time of my life. I know I can’t begin to name everyone, but there are people that I would personally like to thank.

♡ Lydia
♡ Quinn
♡ Emily
♡ Ronni
♡ Jori
♡ Sarah
♡ Saundra
♡ Baylie
♡ Claudia
♡ Audrey
♡ Tiffany
♡ Felly
♡ Nicky
♡ Sherry
♡ Dedra
♡ Judy
♡ Alyssa
♡ Katie
♡ Felicia
♡ Teresa
♡ Lisa
♡ Talia
♡ Nicole
♡ Cassy
♡ Sally
♡ Brittany
♡ Trish
♡ Rae
♡ Jess

☆I did not put last names due to privacy☆

*TWLOHA – To Write Love On Her Names
You can read more about this amazing cause and how they help here

**Family Don’t End In Blood – Supernatural character Bobby Singer.

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Bobby Singer

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Jared at comic con
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Mark Shepard (Crowley) Jensen Ackles (Dean Winchester) Jared Padalecki (Sam Winchester) Misha Collins (Castiel)
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Jared with the Always Keep Fighting candle

It All Started In May

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May seems like a perfect time of year for most people, spring has started and usually you can see flowers start to pop up everywhere, generally, it’s a pleasant welcome from winter.

Back track to November/2015, Arthur and I were driving across country to our new home. We left New Brunswick November.7th,2015 and got to our new home November.11th,2015. We got a puppy in December and named him Trapper.

Skip to May. The snow had finally melted, the weather had been really nice the past week or so. May.1st a small fire started in the woods near my house, it was what you deem out of control and there was a voluntary evacuation for that part of the neighborhood. I remember wanting to leave because I knew it was that time of year for wildfire season, nothing I had never had to seriously worry about but now living West it’s a little different. Arthur told me not to worry, that it wasn’t coming this way, it was burning in a different direction. I remember thinking I wanted to pack a bag, but shrugged it off as me worrying too much.

That night our apartment smelled like you had decided to set up a camp fire in it. By morning the smell was gone mostly, but outside still stunk.

May.2nd, outside you could see on the opposite side a new fire had started in Gregoire. You could see water bombers going, fire retardant being dropped by planes, and a lot of thick grey smoke. There was ash falling from the sky that day.

Here a few pictures from Gregoire, I did not take these photos.
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That night I didn’t sleep at all, I’m not sure why but I couldn’t. Finally it was time for Arthur to wake up to go to work, I sat with him while he got ready and left for work. I still wasn’t tired, the clock rolled around until 7 am, I figured I would stay up until I get a hold of my doctor and make an appointment to get some medications refilled, also to allow an release for my medication, I also had to get a hold of the vet so Trapper could get his vaccines and an appointment to be neutered. It turned out my doctor couldn’t get me in and also was leaving the practice so now I was wide awake, I called the vet and made Trappers appointment. I started to look online to see which doctors in my area were accepting new patients, I had found a doctor and called and made an appointment for a few days later.

I also checked on the fire status on the Alberta website and when I looked, the status was ‘under control.’ I looked at the time and it was already 1pm, I decided I should probably try and get some sleep, I put my phone on mute, plugged it in and went to try and fall asleep, which came much faster and easier than I had thought it would.

3pm The dog woke me up by barking, I got up before I let him out and went to the bathroom, let the dog out and checked me phone. Seventy-eight missed phone calls all from Arthur. I didn’t have my glasses on yet so I had thought I misread the number. Looked again, and yes — seventy-eight missed phone calls, I had no idea why there was so many but I didn’t think anything bad at all. I was about to call him and his number came through on my phone. I answered and I don’t remember the exact words at first but then he said “The city is burning down, you need to leave.” The words didn’t register, I said OK… OK??? That’s what I said, like it was no big deal. He was very panicky on the phone and he was explaining Ivite and her fiance Jay were going to pick Trapper and I up and to get what ever I could and leave.

Arthur explained to me that he wasn’t allowed to leave work because the highway coming South bound was closed, the fire that they had under control that morning took a turn for the worse. The temperature sky rocketed into the 30’s, humidity wasn’t helping the winds changed, the perfect storm for the fire to thrive and come alive.

I grabbed our laundry basket that I thought had clean clothes in it, turns out a few shirts and socks were in it, grabbed only a few more clothes, our passports and the Trappers leash. That was it, that’s all I grabbed because I thought it was going to be OK and we would just be back the next day.

Ivite and Jay picked us up, I’ve never met them before and I was already a huge mess from having a panic attack and being more scared than I ever thought possible. Trapper could tell something wasn’t right so he was nervous. We hopped in their truck and we left, I called my dad and explained and he hadn’t heard what was happening so he was trying to calm me down. I let him go because I didn’t know when I could charge my phone. Turns out Jay worked for the fire department, so I felt a bit more safe than I had moments before.

Driving towards safety was terrifying, there was flames on both sides of the roads, so many cars all moving perfectly in unison like there had been rehearsal days before. Once we were on the highway I called Arthur let him know the dog and I were safe and we were heading south towards the fire department near the airport, he still couldn’t leave but there was not as much panick and he seemed more at ease once he found out we were safe. As we were driving there were cars left abandoned in the middle of the highway on the grass and on sides, on the sides of the hills were neighborhoods were just feet away there was flames. They licked down and up the hills, I was in utter awe at what was happening, all I wanted to do was get somewhere safe and see Arthur. As we were coming right outside the city there was a Super 8 motel, it was completely up in flames, trucks next to it blown up.

Twenty minutes later where the highway keeps going south and the turn that let’s you onto Airport Road there were police cars guiding traffic making them go straight. They knew who Jay was and let us up, we had made it to safety! All I could do was just think I’m safe, the dog is safe, where is Arthur?

Ivite could have not been nicer towards me, she knew from Arthur I suffered from panic attacks and anxiety. We called Arthur and he was in the process of trying to get a truck to leave since they had just reopened the highway going south from his work.

I waited around, just keeping close to the truck, trying to calm down while talking to my dad on the phone, I had told him to please not let my mom know that the city had been evacuated where she would go into a frenzy and I worry about her health. He promised me that he would go to her house first thing the next day and explain everything and to make sure when she got the news she was going to be OK as much as possible.

Hours and hours went by, I became more calm, more at ease, it was dark and in the skyline you could see multiple pop ups of bright orange. Then the mood changed, all of a sudden 40 or more emergency vehicles came from all over Alberta, ranging from police, peace officers, water trucks, and fire trucks came into the yard and parked and started heading into the fire department. Towards the left there was a bus station and city buses with “EVACUATION” were dropping off people who didn’t drive and could not get out of the city. I called Arthur again for the millionth time trying to figure out where he was, he was making his way to us, traffic was still at a standstill even hours after I had left.

Something that made me smile, someone seen I had my dog and offered me food for him because I didn’t grab any or a bowl. Someone offered my dog food even though he had only brought so much. Trapper was still nervous, not knowing what was going on. He barely ate, but he was drinking plenty of water.

Jay had left to go down to the road block, he knew Arthur was coming and he had wanted to make sure the police knew he would be driving a work truck and was looking for me. A few minutes before midnight and Arthur had pulled up, he started to say that Jay had taken me up and Jay came right over and waved him through, I had been constantly watching the road to see if any cars or trucks that weren’t emergency vehicles were coming up the road. FINALLY, I seen a white truck, I knew it was Arthur! I waited for him to pull in and park, I ran to the truck with Trapper, I gave him a huge hug and didn’t want to let go all the while crying and telling him I was so glad to see him and that he was safe. Trapper had his turn and he was so excited to see him. It took Arthur which normally would have been 30 minutes or less 7 hours to get there.

I felt relieved, safer, more calm. I called my dad to let him know I was with Arthur and I would call him the next morning to let him know what was going on. Arthur and I decided not to try and leave that night to Edmonton were the highway was still jammed packed and he was dead tired, but we were going to spend the night in the truck than head to Edmonton the next morning. We stayed up for a bit listening to the news radio broadcasting from Edmonton about the fire, Arthur kept thanking Ivite and we all just talked and let things sink in.

I didn’t sleep that night at all, the day kept playing through my head, the dread I felt, the images replaying, why I had put my phone on mute, and I kept watching the skyline as new colours of orange would pop up still. At 6am I got out and stretched my legs, Arthur woke up not too long after and found me just sitting on the tail gate. We agreed we would leave at 7 30 am to go to Edmonton.

The firemen that night had “broken” into the grocery store and brought back bus loads of food, drinks, dog and cat food, medicine, and baby things. They would never be in trouble for getting the food because of the situation and they needed to keep their families that were there and themselves fed and hydrated. We grabbed a few things like crackers and dog food and we started to get ready to leave. We said goodbye to Ivite and Jay and we were on our way, not knowing what was going to happen next for us.

We finally arrived in Edmonton at 4 30pm, that drive usually takes 4 1/2 hours, on the way I called and made a reservation at a hotel that accepted dogs so we knew that when we got there we would have a place to go.

The second night there we had been informed indirectly that we did lose our house, I broke down, everything we owned was gone. I thought I should have grabbed more things. I lost things that are replaceable and things that aren’t.

We stayed a total of 4 nights before learning that no one was allowed back to the city as most homes were destroyed, and some neighborhoods completely gone.

We flew back to NB on the fifth day. As of now I’m still here waiting to go back, we are allowed back after a month but the people like me can’t go back because we don’t have a home.

These photos below are of my house, I’ve circled them in red so you can see our property. The photos are from multiple views.

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Dear Me

Dear Me,

You should have listened more when you were younger, what your parents said, everything that they said you could have become; you really should have listened. You’ll figure out that it’s not nagging, it is because they want the best for you. I know you have a big heart, and from an early age we realized that. We took things way to hard when it could have been taken more lightly. You are going to have a lot of trouble in school starting in middle school, you’ll be going into grade six, we think it’s going to be awesome. You’ll soon learn that it wasn’t the case. You will find out how hard it can be, it’s the year you’ll have your first kiss, make memories with some pretty amazing people, but it’s going to have some downsides too. You are going to experience being bullied, you’ll push it down because you won’t want others knowing exactly how much that hurt, so you’re going to laugh it off like it’s no big deal, when in reality, you should talk to someone. You don’t know this yet, but it going down a bad path, I want you to stop and think about this because it is going to effect your entire life forward. I know you won’t, that’s just not who you are. You’re going to experience what it’s like to be an “outsider” in middle school, your last year. You won’t sit with anyone at lunch, and that’s not because you don’t want to, it’s because, no one will. You have no idea why, and when you’re older you still won’t know.

Now we’re going into high school, it’s suppose to be great. You are suppose to have the best 4 years of your life. There are 3 high schools to chose from because you’ll be in the city now, majority will go to one, the rest of us divide into the two other high schools. You will be so excited to get your acceptance letter in the mail letting you know that you got in. This school was your dream school, you knew all about it, knew they looked at records of past in school and you got in. Congratulations. You are going to be amazed and proud. By now you know you have huge compassion for people you care about. This is going to get you into trouble, and you’re going to hang out with the wrong set of people at first. You’ll experiment with drugs and take up smoking. Please don’t take up smoking, it’s going to stick with you. You’ll have your first drink at 13, go to parties. Your grades are going to plummet, by that I mean you won’t get anything above at 40% because your too busy with your image, parties, skipping school, and getting high. Your going to feel fine because what bothers you isn’t bubbling up anymore, you’ve pushed it down. Remember that compassion? Your going to say the wrong thing in Theatre Arts class and someone isn’t going to take it the right way. You end up being dragged down out of school property an you get into a fight. Believe me, you’re going to try and stay inside that school and it works for a few days, but you’ll let your guard down. You should say something, to anyone or a teacher. You end up getting your ass kicked, don’t worry though, you do get some good punches in for not having to fight before. You’ll get suspended, and so will the other person. Now is your time to say something, to your parents or someone you trust! This is just the beginning of how another moment is going to push you. I can see depression, you won’t and again you’ll push it down. You will however, learn to love the piano/keyboard. Your going to get one for Christmas that year. Unfortunately you fail grade 9.

The next year you won’t want to go to back that high school and refuse to leave home. Your mom pleads on the phone with another high school, after a couple of weeks, they have room for you at another one. Just like that your going to change schools, your going to miss the first one, but you know it’s better. You’re going to meet someone, you’ll be together for 3 1/2 years. Please don’t let it go by the first year cause it’s not going to be healthy. All that hurt and anger since sixth grade is coming out now. You aren’t going to know how to deal with it. I wish you would have talked to someone. Your going to self harm, your going to feel a lot of that pain and darkness escape, this is your go to whenever you feel upset, because you think it works. It doesn’t. I wish you seek help now!

You are going to have your first heart break, it’s a lot more than you thought, you feel everything so intensely. You use your “go to,” please don’t. You heart will mend, your going to meet someone, GET OUT NOW. I’ll save you the unpleasantness, but get out before it starts. You won’t finish high school, you’ll spend 4 years, and make it to grade 12. You’ll drop out because of him and because you feel have no other choice. Your going to regret prom, and university. You’ll never experience them, and you’ll never study in the field you want. Please stay in school, turn things around, maybe you can do better by us this time around.

Three years later your going to feel all that pushed down regret, sadness, and anger, it’s going to come at you like a train. You will soon learn you have a panic attack disorder and sever depression. Everything goes down hill from that point on. You won’t be able to work for 4 years, and even after that it’s hard. A lot of medication and a lot of trail and error for that medication to make itself seem like you are finally normal. You aren’t cured, you know it but it feels like it…

Dear me, please talk to someone when this all started in middle school. You might be better off, you might be able to avoid all this. Don’t forget that I left out all the happy stuff, I want that to be a surprise. Just know there are other things greater than how you feel at the time…

Stay how you are. It’s a big part of you, and it’s going to help you in the long run.

Sumed Up – 2015 So Far

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Sorry to anyone who has been following my blog as I have not published anything in quite some time it seems. I always mean to but I never get the chance, every time I think about it, it’s always late or I can never figure out what to write about. So I’ll start off with how 2015 has been going…

Well, this isn’t from 2015 but in December 2014 I took my first trip! I went to Florida, we stayed in Daytona, Kissimmee and Daytona. We were there for about 12 days or so. I loved it. I was so scared to fly, my doctor gave me Xanax for emergencies for my panic attacks, and I had them the whole month leading up to leaving for Florida. We caught our flight from Bangor, which was a direct flight to Orlando. It is about a 3 or 4 hour drive from Saint John to get to Bangor. Once we got to the boarder we were pulled in to be questioned. Funny for my first time ever into the States. There was nothing to be suspicious about but I guess I had to get the full experience! Haha. After leaving there, the trip began to Bangor. Once we hit the airport I was calm, I wasn’t panicked or worried. After checking in, and going through security we waited to board the flight. I was a little bit worried about the place since I have never been on a place and from watching to much Mayday I was certain I was doomed if I was to ever fly. Bonus! I was so excited being on the flight, from taking off to landing. The guy next to Arthur asked him if this was my first time flying since I was so was so amazed by everything. Least to say, I’m not afraid to fly anymore and already looking forward to another trip. There was so much to see there and when getting off the flight to Orlando and going outside the heat was so different from what I’m use to, plus when we left it was bitterly cold and lots of snow on the ground. I wish I took more pictures but I guess from just being there I was amazed and in awe. I promise next time I go on a trip, I’ll be sure to take lots of pictures so I can post them on here for everyone to see 🙂

January wasn’t much of anything, started back at work, but in February our family lost someone very dear to us. Donna. She was taken from us too soon and without warning. She had an aneurism in her heart. We all thought she had the flu, but never could have imagined this… I remember going to her place in Nova Scotia as a child every summer before moving to Saint John to be closer with family. Even being in the same city I do wish I could have seen her more often than I did, but I’m sure anyone wishes this. Especially when our loved ones are taken too soon from us without warning.

Donna and John sharing a dance at their 50th wedding anniversary in 2013.
Donna and John sharing a dance at their 50th wedding anniversary in 2013.

At the funeral there was a lovely picture of her and a beautifully written blurb. Here is what it says word for word since I do not have the scanner turned on and I’m writing this on Surface. Plus my printer/scanner isn’t hooked up to this.

Donna was a stubborn, opinionated, and a had an endless supply of attitude. Still, there isn’t a single aspect of her we would ever change. Her personality was a reflection of her passion for life. Donna was also energetic, strong, with a will that could mountains. She was a small lady, but she was feisty. She was not typical, she was not comparable. She was extremely unique and absolutely irreplaceable. As husband, family and friends we have been so very blessed to have had her with us. The life and love she gave has enriched our lives in ways no one else ever could. We will cherish our memories of her, and carry her in our hearts.

Forever hers, as she is forever ours.

Although she has our enternal love; this isn’t goodbye, it is simply ta ta for now.

This was written up by her nephew and was so beautifully written. Although this does say a lot about the kind of woman she was, there are more things to say about her that could not be written down into words.

As February came to an end and March began there was a few more things that took a bump in the road. My mother had surgery to be tested for colon cancer. We are still awaiting the results of what they find. So please, keep her in your thoughts as she and I are going mad with the waiting game.

I’ve recently been tested for PCOS. If you don’t know that is it is called polycystic ovarian disease/syndrome. I am still waiting on the results of the test so I guess I’ll just sit back and wait.

I’ve also recently learned that I have an uncle from the Netherlands. He is the son of my moms dad. This was during the war, and had a son. He has been trying to contact our family for years and finally success. It has been amazing to talk to him and learn about him and his family. I still talk to him nearly everyday using Facebook messenger. Since I have been talking to him for quite some time I have been invited to visit. So right now going to be saving up and maybe looking into going next year sometime with Arthur. So I am looking forward to that.

Well I suppose that is this year so far, in the ways of being major. Other than that it has been day to day life. I promise to start writing more, so please keep reading on my blog! Even though I don’t know who is reading (if anyone is) I appreciate you taking the time out of your day/night to read my blog.

Thank you all again! ❤