Dear Me

Dear Me,

You should have listened more when you were younger, what your parents said, everything that they said you could have become; you really should have listened. You’ll figure out that it’s not nagging, it is because they want the best for you. I know you have a big heart, and from an early age we realized that. We took things way to hard when it could have been taken more lightly. You are going to have a lot of trouble in school starting in middle school, you’ll be going into grade six, we think it’s going to be awesome. You’ll soon learn that it wasn’t the case. You will find out how hard it can be, it’s the year you’ll have your first kiss, make memories with some pretty amazing people, but it’s going to have some downsides too. You are going to experience being bullied, you’ll push it down because you won’t want others knowing exactly how much that hurt, so you’re going to laugh it off like it’s no big deal, when in reality, you should talk to someone. You don’t know this yet, but it going down a bad path, I want you to stop and think about this because it is going to effect your entire life forward. I know you won’t, that’s just not who you are. You’re going to experience what it’s like to be an “outsider” in middle school, your last year. You won’t sit with anyone at lunch, and that’s not because you don’t want to, it’s because, no one will. You have no idea why, and when you’re older you still won’t know.

Now we’re going into high school, it’s suppose to be great. You are suppose to have the best 4 years of your life. There are 3 high schools to chose from because you’ll be in the city now, majority will go to one, the rest of us divide into the two other high schools. You will be so excited to get your acceptance letter in the mail letting you know that you got in. This school was your dream school, you knew all about it, knew they looked at records of past in school and you got in. Congratulations. You are going to be amazed and proud. By now you know you have huge compassion for people you care about. This is going to get you into trouble, and you’re going to hang out with the wrong set of people at first. You’ll experiment with drugs and take up smoking. Please don’t take up smoking, it’s going to stick with you. You’ll have your first drink at 13, go to parties. Your grades are going to plummet, by that I mean you won’t get anything above at 40% because your too busy with your image, parties, skipping school, and getting high. Your going to feel fine because what bothers you isn’t bubbling up anymore, you’ve pushed it down. Remember that compassion? Your going to say the wrong thing in Theatre Arts class and someone isn’t going to take it the right way. You end up being dragged down out of school property an you get into a fight. Believe me, you’re going to try and stay inside that school and it works for a few days, but you’ll let your guard down. You should say something, to anyone or a teacher. You end up getting your ass kicked, don’t worry though, you do get some good punches in for not having to fight before. You’ll get suspended, and so will the other person. Now is your time to say something, to your parents or someone you trust! This is just the beginning of how another moment is going to push you. I can see depression, you won’t and again you’ll push it down. You will however, learn to love the piano/keyboard. Your going to get one for Christmas that year. Unfortunately you fail grade 9.

The next year you won’t want to go to back that high school and refuse to leave home. Your mom pleads on the phone with another high school, after a couple of weeks, they have room for you at another one. Just like that your going to change schools, your going to miss the first one, but you know it’s better. You’re going to meet someone, you’ll be together for 3 1/2 years. Please don’t let it go by the first year cause it’s not going to be healthy. All that hurt and anger since sixth grade is coming out now. You aren’t going to know how to deal with it. I wish you would have talked to someone. Your going to self harm, your going to feel a lot of that pain and darkness escape, this is your go to whenever you feel upset, because you think it works. It doesn’t. I wish you seek help now!

You are going to have your first heart break, it’s a lot more than you thought, you feel everything so intensely. You use your “go to,” please don’t. You heart will mend, your going to meet someone, GET OUT NOW. I’ll save you the unpleasantness, but get out before it starts. You won’t finish high school, you’ll spend 4 years, and make it to grade 12. You’ll drop out because of him and because you feel have no other choice. Your going to regret prom, and university. You’ll never experience them, and you’ll never study in the field you want. Please stay in school, turn things around, maybe you can do better by us this time around.

Three years later your going to feel all that pushed down regret, sadness, and anger, it’s going to come at you like a train. You will soon learn you have a panic attack disorder and sever depression. Everything goes down hill from that point on. You won’t be able to work for 4 years, and even after that it’s hard. A lot of medication and a lot of trail and error for that medication to make itself seem like you are finally normal. You aren’t cured, you know it but it feels like it…

Dear me, please talk to someone when this all started in middle school. You might be better off, you might be able to avoid all this. Don’t forget that I left out all the happy stuff, I want that to be a surprise. Just know there are other things greater than how you feel at the time…

Stay how you are. It’s a big part of you, and it’s going to help you in the long run.