I got to thinking I could probably use some insight/help. Of course, not everyone who blogs writes, but what I am wondering is of those who do, how do you come up with what you’re writing? What is your process? For me I have a million thoughts running through my head and I honestly can’t put them onto the computer without loosing or running off track with another idea. What I’ve been wanting to do is write a book. I’m hoping for some insight 🙂
Questions And Second Guessing Your Decisions On Every Detail
Weeks leading up the wedding your always wondering questions, did I count the final number rights, does the timeline fit with everything else. What about that seating chart? Does everything look right? Can everyone get into the reception long before guests arrive? … These are a just a few questions racking my head as the weeks, than days leading up until my wedding. Over all everything was taken care of and I finally stopped stressing out so much.
The Night Before
The night before the wedding we had to decorate the hall for the reception. We didn’t go over the top but it was beautiful, everyone was there to help, my mom dad and step mom, my maid of honor and bridesmaid. Arthur’s main family and a few close friends. There was also the caterer to set up tables.
They say bad weather before your wedding is a good omen, I know that to be true now as of the night before while we were decorating we had a gorgeous thunder and lightning show.
Now The Wedding Day
Let me begin with, everything went without a hitch minus me almost tripping behind the altar to sign the register but apparently no one knew. Things over all could have gone worse.
The day started bright and early to meet with my maid of honor and bridesbride and soon to be future mother in law and mom to go and get pretty. 9am, my photographer was already there, soon after my flower girl came with her mom and Aunt. It was in full swing, pictures being taken, hair and make up, and even 7 year olds putting my wedding shoes on for the fun of it.
We decided to get ready at my mother in laws house because it is bigger and they don’t have animals so it was best not to walk down the aisle with my dogs black fur all over me. We ate, chatted, people started to come to get ready. I know my dress was taken for a grand tour getting pictures done outside. It was fun.
Everyone was beginning to get ready, my dad and step mom showed up because A. It’s customary for your father to drive you to the church and B. I wanted a picture of me (very confusingly at first) trying to put out his boutineer lol. I’m sure we got some great photos but I’ve never done one before so it was pretty foreign to me.
When I finally got ready after having someone help me into my dress, yeah you always need help but it’s a lot harder than it seems. I put my jewelry on, and I was amazed. I looked exactly how I wanted to. I felt beautiful. The photographer at this point had made my dad go out on the deck so he could be surprised (that’s when the boutineer happened) but us girls had our photos taken in different spots.
Dad, my maid of honor, bridesmaid and I in dad’s truck, we were off to the church. I’m known for never being on time, so I was pretty proud that I had minutes to spare before the wedding. Everyone knew how to enter as we had just a rehearsal 2 days before the wedding. Everything went great. My dad and mom walked me down the aisle, it was more than I could have asked for.
The ceremony was beautiful and I had a niece and close family friend read as well. It was a Catholic wedding without mass, so pretty straight forward. If you’re not sure, it’s basically readings and psalms. If we had a mass it would have been much much longer.
After the ceremony, we had pictures taken, and then the reception! We had a grand entrance, hey, it’s our wedding day so might as well do everything fun and great! The reception was great, food, some games, dancing and all around a good time with friends and family. A teacher of mine even stopped over during the reception to see me, it meant a lot to me that she did that. We got a few pictures taken together as well.
All in all, the day was great, it was a perfect day weather and wedding wise. The only thing I found is that it went by way too quickly for me. Although we will have pictures of that day to look at and the memories.
Not too long ago a friend of mine is doing a project to give to Jared Padalecki in April, she asked us for our story, simply, our life with our mental illness, how Jared himself has helped, and how our family (AKF- Always Keep Fighting) has helped us. I gave her my story after having a few people read it to see if it was good. I got a lot of good responses on it so I decided to post it on my blog for others to see. Hopefully it can help someone, maybe they will reach out or maybe no one will read it so it will be put into cyber-internet for no one to see.. Either way, here it goes.
I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia, and most recently PTSD.
In March,2010 I was currently working at a call center for Philips Products. I loved my job and looked forward to going each day. A few weeks before April I started having nightmares, they were when I was travelling to work by city transit, which is what I always did so it was nothing foreign to me. In my nightmare when the bus was travelling over the Reversing Falls Bridge the bus would go off the road towards the cliff and we would go over, I’d wake up then. I should have taken it as a warning but I didn’t think much of it.
About a week after the dreams started when I started taking the bus I would get really nervous and my hands would be sweaty. Once I did the transfer to the other bus that went towards my work it was a few short minutes than I would be fine, after work taking the bus was fine, I was having no issues.
Usually around that time of year work was really slow so we were allowed to call in before shift to see if they needed us, if not we were allowed the day off without pay. I was hoping to get this day off because my mother and I were supposed to go to the mall where I transferred buses so I could pick something out for a dress I was going to be wearing to a graduation of a friend. To my luck, it wasn’t busy and was able to have the day off.
My mother and I took the bus to the mall, the same bus I took to go to work before transferring, around the same time on the bus my hands got sweaty and I tried to focus on something else. It always worked in the past, but it didn’t feel right this time. The feeling which I now know as anxiety went away and we arrived at the mall. When we got the mall I started feeling the anxiety again and told my mom I needed to use the bathroom. I raced towards the bathroom and went into the stall. I sat down and tried to will the feeling to go away but it just got worse. I was getting sweatier, my vision didn’t feel right, like I couldn’t focus on anything, my stomach was doing flips, my heart felt like it was going to burst from my chest. My mother at this time came in to see what was taking so long, I felt embarrassed because there was other ladies in the stalls and I could only yell out that I would be another minute. When I finally thought, I could get this under control and everything in my body calmed down I came out and told my mom what had happened. We walked up the hall towards a store and it all rushed back into my body and I started freaking out, I told my mom that I was going to go outside for a smoke, she was preoccupied and I don’t think she really heard me. I ran outside tears streaming down my eyes, my body shaking, and all the other things I felt in the stall were happening. I remember the time, it was shortly after 12pm because my dad was on lunch at work. I called him and told him what was happening, he stayed on the phone with me listening to me and trying to keep me calm. He told me to call a cab and go back to my moms. After he let me go I remember seeing a construction worker watching me and thinking if something happens he will see. I called the cab and it arrived within minutes. I didn’t even think about my mom. I was running towards to the cab to jump in and mom yelling out my name running after me. She got into the cab and she was clearly upset with me, I told the cab driver where to go. In 10 minutes, we were home. I paid and ran into the apartment. My mom yelled and she didn’t understand what was going on, I tried to explain but she didn’t understand. I felt very sick to my stomach. Every day after that for a week I called in sick because I was scared to leave the house. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. After 2 weeks my father came by and told me we were going to see my doctor. I was clearly not doing well and he needed to know what was wrong. The 20 minute drive felt like forever and I was constantly drinking water because it felt like that was the only thing I could do to keep calm. My doctor diagnosed me with severe anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I was given medication and a follow up with a doctors note stating I was off of work for four months on medical leave.
Ultimately, I was also diagnosed with agoraphobia, I lost my job in November,2010 because I was hardly able to stay at work long enough without having another attack.
They were constantly changing my medication and I was seeing a mental health worker. I was put on medical leave until further notice.
I suffered with it in silence for years because neither my parents or friends understood what I was going through. One day while just browsing Facebook for Supernatural related things I came across a group called AKF Always Keep Fighting. I requested to join, and immediately found what I needed, a FAMILY. Hundreds of other people who were going through what I was. I found a place where I felt I belong. I was never turned away or felt unwanted. I knew Jared Padalecki suffered from a mental illness but I never knew he had shirts/sweaters/tanks through a website that helped. I missed the first one, and everyone after that I had gotten a hoodie from his campaigns. I even got one from Jim Beaver’s campaign that had said “Family don’t end in blood.” All these sweaters were very important to me and I learned more about TWLOHA. Jared became more than just actor, he became some one I could relate to because he never hid his mental illness. It was something everyone in our SPN family could relate to and become apart of. Those hoodies meant the world to me, knowing I was apart of a fandom, a family, a collective support group.
Over the years from 2010 I was able to do more things but still suffer, I went to see a therapist and through a lot of hard work I had repressed memories from when I was child. I had always suffered from mental illness, I remember having panic attacks as a child and anxiety. It was a breakthrough but also a set back because I my brain had supressed memories and now they were haunting me.
In November 2015, I moved from Saint John, NB to Fort McMurray, AB, in May 2016 there was a wildfire that reached the town. I moved back home and seen someone and learned I had PTSD. I had lost everything in the fire. All my hoodies from the campaigns, things I can’t replace from family that is now gone.
My SPN family rushed to my side and people donated money to me to help me get back on my feet. I was overwhelmed with support from people all over the world. Even though I was going through a devastating time there was my family, supporting me, pushing me through.
I couldn’t be more thankful to Jared, to my SPN family, the people I became close to over the years. The people who no matter what I share everything with and help. To these people, they have changed my life for the better, even when I feel like I can’t go on. I think of these people who help me push forward. I hope to meet Jared one day and be able to thank him in person for what he was done for me even though he doesn’t know. My story is far from over and I’m still trying to cope with everything but I’ve learned to be more open about my illness, I speak about it with people who are just learning about it. I lost all my friends when mine became too much and no one wanted to deal with me. I’ve learned it’s ok to have set backs, it’s ok to need help. It’s to Always Keep Fighting.
I should be writing more into my blog, as there is so much I want type but I never do, I have the app on my phone as well as my tablet. I have a computer, so why is it I never write? I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t write is because I’m so worried about what other people will think of me. I think maybe it’s because my thoughts and rants will make people think less of me somehow. This isn’t how I wanted to start my first blog of the year, so let us get on with my true purpose for this blog.
We’re only 13 days into the new year, and so far it’s been pretty good. Back track a bit into 2016, my dog Trapper turned 1 in October, he was spoiled during his birthday.
Christmas was also a really good time, it’s the last Christmas as a “single” person with my dad and family. My dad made it really special, it wasn’t like other past Christmas’ before, so I really reveled in it. My uncle Bob was over, my brother Scott his fiancé Reeva and my niece Sarah came over for the day and had dinner. I don’t normally don’t get to see them so I was extremely happy to have them there. I took a few pictures of Christmas, here are a few.
Those are some of the photo’s I took on Christmas day. Funny enough my brother, uncle and dad all bought each other the same jacket. Apparently everyone had the same idea.
Shortly before Christmas Arthur and I had our engagement photos done by Pristine Photography. Here is a couple of them. She’s an amazing person and amazing to work with as well.
My fiancée was home until the 7th of January which was nice to have him home for 3 weeks, he is now back in Alberta working, sadly I won’t see him until June. Since we are getting married in New Brunswick I have to stay here to work on the wedding and meet with people still. Our wedding is in July, the day is coming closer than I can imagine. My wedding dress is suppose to come in next month sometime, which I’m extremely excited for, fittings and seeing it again, and also the shoes I have for my dress, it’s going to be more real than it was before. I’m taking my mom to pick up my dress since my dad doesn’t want to see the dress until the day of, which I really like. Since my fiancée was home we were able to get him fitted for his tux, pick out our wedding bands and also meet with the Father. I got readings approved for the wedding, which is a great relief so I was able to send out the readings to my niece and a family friend Alyson.
Since we aren’t very far into the new year there hasn’t been a lot of stuff that has gone on day to day. Overall, I’m assuming this year will go by very fast, with a lot of ups and I’m sure stress.
Also check out the “About Me” section as I’ve added other ways you can follow me on different social media platforms.