Category Archives: Blog

It All Started In May


May seems like a perfect time of year for most people, spring has started and usually you can see flowers start to pop up everywhere, generally, it’s a pleasant welcome from winter.

Back track to November/2015, Arthur and I were driving across country to our new home. We left New Brunswick November.7th,2015 and got to our new home November.11th,2015. We got a puppy in December and named him Trapper.

Skip to May. The snow had finally melted, the weather had been really nice the past week or so. May.1st a small fire started in the woods near my house, it was what you deem out of control and there was a voluntary evacuation for that part of the neighborhood. I remember wanting to leave because I knew it was that time of year for wildfire season, nothing I had never had to seriously worry about but now living West it’s a little different. Arthur told me not to worry, that it wasn’t coming this way, it was burning in a different direction. I remember thinking I wanted to pack a bag, but shrugged it off as me worrying too much.

That night our apartment smelled like you had decided to set up a camp fire in it. By morning the smell was gone mostly, but outside still stunk.

May.2nd, outside you could see on the opposite side a new fire had started in Gregoire. You could see water bombers going, fire retardant being dropped by planes, and a lot of thick grey smoke. There was ash falling from the sky that day.

Here a few pictures from Gregoire, I did not take these photos.




That night I didn’t sleep at all, I’m not sure why but I couldn’t. Finally it was time for Arthur to wake up to go to work, I sat with him while he got ready and left for work. I still wasn’t tired, the clock rolled around until 7 am, I figured I would stay up until I get a hold of my doctor and make an appointment to get some medications refilled, also to allow an release for my medication, I also had to get a hold of the vet so Trapper could get his vaccines and an appointment to be neutered. It turned out my doctor couldn’t get me in and also was leaving the practice so now I was wide awake, I called the vet and made Trappers appointment. I started to look online to see which doctors in my area were accepting new patients, I had found a doctor and called and made an appointment for a few days later.

I also checked on the fire status on the Alberta website and when I looked, the status was ‘under control.’ I looked at the time and it was already 1pm, I decided I should probably try and get some sleep, I put my phone on mute, plugged it in and went to try and fall asleep, which came much faster and easier than I had thought it would.

3pm The dog woke me up by barking, I got up before I let him out and went to the bathroom, let the dog out and checked me phone. Seventy-eight missed phone calls all from Arthur. I didn’t have my glasses on yet so I had thought I misread the number. Looked again, and yes — seventy-eight missed phone calls, I had no idea why there was so many but I didn’t think anything bad at all. I was about to call him and his number came through on my phone. I answered and I don’t remember the exact words at first but then he said “The city is burning down, you need to leave.” The words didn’t register, I said OK… OK??? That’s what I said, like it was no big deal. He was very panicky on the phone and he was explaining Ivite and her fiance Jay were going to pick Trapper and I up and to get what ever I could and leave.

Arthur explained to me that he wasn’t allowed to leave work because the highway coming South bound was closed, the fire that they had under control that morning took a turn for the worse. The temperature sky rocketed into the 30’s, humidity wasn’t helping the winds changed, the perfect storm for the fire to thrive and come alive.

I grabbed our laundry basket that I thought had clean clothes in it, turns out a few shirts and socks were in it, grabbed only a few more clothes, our passports and the Trappers leash. That was it, that’s all I grabbed because I thought it was going to be OK and we would just be back the next day.

Ivite and Jay picked us up, I’ve never met them before and I was already a huge mess from having a panic attack and being more scared than I ever thought possible. Trapper could tell something wasn’t right so he was nervous. We hopped in their truck and we left, I called my dad and explained and he hadn’t heard what was happening so he was trying to calm me down. I let him go because I didn’t know when I could charge my phone. Turns out Jay worked for the fire department, so I felt a bit more safe than I had moments before.

Driving towards safety was terrifying, there was flames on both sides of the roads, so many cars all moving perfectly in unison like there had been rehearsal days before. Once we were on the highway I called Arthur let him know the dog and I were safe and we were heading south towards the fire department near the airport, he still couldn’t leave but there was not as much panick and he seemed more at ease once he found out we were safe. As we were driving there were cars left abandoned in the middle of the highway on the grass and on sides, on the sides of the hills were neighborhoods were just feet away there was flames. They licked down and up the hills, I was in utter awe at what was happening, all I wanted to do was get somewhere safe and see Arthur. As we were coming right outside the city there was a Super 8 motel, it was completely up in flames, trucks next to it blown up.

Twenty minutes later where the highway keeps going south and the turn that let’s you onto Airport Road there were police cars guiding traffic making them go straight. They knew who Jay was and let us up, we had made it to safety! All I could do was just think I’m safe, the dog is safe, where is Arthur?

Ivite could have not been nicer towards me, she knew from Arthur I suffered from panic attacks and anxiety. We called Arthur and he was in the process of trying to get a truck to leave since they had just reopened the highway going south from his work.

I waited around, just keeping close to the truck, trying to calm down while talking to my dad on the phone, I had told him to please not let my mom know that the city had been evacuated where she would go into a frenzy and I worry about her health. He promised me that he would go to her house first thing the next day and explain everything and to make sure when she got the news she was going to be OK as much as possible.

Hours and hours went by, I became more calm, more at ease, it was dark and in the skyline you could see multiple pop ups of bright orange. Then the mood changed, all of a sudden 40 or more emergency vehicles came from all over Alberta, ranging from police, peace officers, water trucks, and fire trucks came into the yard and parked and started heading into the fire department. Towards the left there was a bus station and city buses with “EVACUATION” were dropping off people who didn’t drive and could not get out of the city. I called Arthur again for the millionth time trying to figure out where he was, he was making his way to us, traffic was still at a standstill even hours after I had left.

Something that made me smile, someone seen I had my dog and offered me food for him because I didn’t grab any or a bowl. Someone offered my dog food even though he had only brought so much. Trapper was still nervous, not knowing what was going on. He barely ate, but he was drinking plenty of water.

Jay had left to go down to the road block, he knew Arthur was coming and he had wanted to make sure the police knew he would be driving a work truck and was looking for me. A few minutes before midnight and Arthur had pulled up, he started to say that Jay had taken me up and Jay came right over and waved him through, I had been constantly watching the road to see if any cars or trucks that weren’t emergency vehicles were coming up the road. FINALLY, I seen a white truck, I knew it was Arthur! I waited for him to pull in and park, I ran to the truck with Trapper, I gave him a huge hug and didn’t want to let go all the while crying and telling him I was so glad to see him and that he was safe. Trapper had his turn and he was so excited to see him. It took Arthur which normally would have been 30 minutes or less 7 hours to get there.

I felt relieved, safer, more calm. I called my dad to let him know I was with Arthur and I would call him the next morning to let him know what was going on. Arthur and I decided not to try and leave that night to Edmonton were the highway was still jammed packed and he was dead tired, but we were going to spend the night in the truck than head to Edmonton the next morning. We stayed up for a bit listening to the news radio broadcasting from Edmonton about the fire, Arthur kept thanking Ivite and we all just talked and let things sink in.

I didn’t sleep that night at all, the day kept playing through my head, the dread I felt, the images replaying, why I had put my phone on mute, and I kept watching the skyline as new colours of orange would pop up still. At 6am I got out and stretched my legs, Arthur woke up not too long after and found me just sitting on the tail gate. We agreed we would leave at 7 30 am to go to Edmonton.

The firemen that night had “broken” into the grocery store and brought back bus loads of food, drinks, dog and cat food, medicine, and baby things. They would never be in trouble for getting the food because of the situation and they needed to keep their families that were there and themselves fed and hydrated. We grabbed a few things like crackers and dog food and we started to get ready to leave. We said goodbye to Ivite and Jay and we were on our way, not knowing what was going to happen next for us.

We finally arrived in Edmonton at 4 30pm, that drive usually takes 4 1/2 hours, on the way I called and made a reservation at a hotel that accepted dogs so we knew that when we got there we would have a place to go.

The second night there we had been informed indirectly that we did lose our house, I broke down, everything we owned was gone. I thought I should have grabbed more things. I lost things that are replaceable and things that aren’t.

We stayed a total of 4 nights before learning that no one was allowed back to the city as most homes were destroyed, and some neighborhoods completely gone.

We flew back to NB on the fifth day. As of now I’m still here waiting to go back, we are allowed back after a month but the people like me can’t go back because we don’t have a home.

These photos below are of my house, I’ve circled them in red so you can see our property. The photos are from multiple views.





Overthinking Much?

Over the past few months I’ve gone through so many things I think it would drive someone literally to drink. I’ve thought about the what if’s, my past and how it reflects me, my future, and so much more. Although, reflection isn’t a bad thing, I can honestly say I take things way to serious, and over think way too many things.

I’m not sure what it is but I seem to always fall back to what I need/want. Not what I have. I’m not only talking materialistic things, but what follows my name, what schooling I have, what people think of me.

Just because I know these habits are horrible and self destructive and probably lead to a mental breakdown with way too much hard liquor involved I can’t stop. No matter how much I try, I’m always over thinking and worrying about something. I can give great advice when need be, don’t let the past determine who you are, learn from it, don’t let what other people think about you bother you. It feels already used to the point of when someone says “I’m sorry” too many times… Per say.

At least I can say it’s me, it’s who I am. I can’t exactly change how I think, but if anything I’m learning to catch myself when I start to over think and go into an OCD fit.

In This Crazy World

In this crazy world we live in, can we ever just for a second stop everything and take a minute just to be free of everything? Most of us on a daily basis are constantly thinking of something, whether it’s money, work, friends, or relationships. Do we ever give ourselves that time we truly deserve?

For me, my mind is always going even when I have taken the time out to just relax or have that well needed ‘get away from this crazy world,’ I always find myself going back to the same stuff I worry about before I decided I needed a break from worrying. Maybe it’s programed into our heads that we learned from our parents, other adults, and becoming adults ourselves that being older is always dreaded with worry and stress.

Although, I could very well be wrong in some people’s cases. Some can find that spot that they can just go to mentally or a physical place and just forget about the world for a little while. If I could I think I would need someone else replacing me to make sure my stressing out over every little detail is accomplished….

Your Ideas’ Matter

Hoping you will fill out the contact form below!

Christmas is Done, 2013 is Coming To a Close

Christmas has come and gone, and it actually snowed on Christmas day, which was a surprise since I can’t remember the last time it did snow. Many people were without power due to a heavy ice storm that struck, still many people won’t have power until New Years Eve. Bummer. Fortunately for us, we had power the entire time, so it wasn’t so bad. There were some bumps in the Holidays that’s for sure. Fighting, and nonsense, people not able to make it due to the weather, basically the normal for the Holidays. Overall, Christmas came and went it seemed. Maybe that was because it just didn’t feel like it, well to me anyway. I did enjoy seeing family members I don’t get to see very often, but it did feel like the day was gone before I knew it. It almost felt rushed, I’m not sure if that’s a really good way to describe it, but it did. Everyone enjoyed their gifts and my dog Nimmer enjoyed ripping open his presents (and trying to rip everyone else gifts as well)

Now that Christmas has passed for another year, 2013 is drawing to a close and we will welcome 2014. 2013 had it’s ups, downs, and the normal. I accomplished some major things this year as well as took on some others. As for 2014 I have no idea what to expect or even begin to try and figure it out. It will come one day at time, I’m still trying to get past 2013. I’ve learned new things, figured out things, like we all do when we think about the past year.

Many people will set resolutions for the new year, I haven’t been able to keep one, so I don’t try anymore. Not that I can’t, I’m sure I could if I put my mind to it I’m sure. But learning to take one thing at a time, I don’t need the extra stress of trying to stick to something. Although, I’m happy people do make them, some are able to keep them, some don’t. But it’s alright in my book. We’re human, we make mistakes, learn from them, try again. I try not to think of a resolution as a strict thing, just a goal, if you can’t make the goal, doesn’t mean your bad person. You’re human. I don’t think anyone has ever successfully made it through life not having any failures. Besides, failures can lead to great things. So in that, don’t push yourself too hard if you do happen to have a bump. You can always keep going, or even set a new one, no one said at the end of the year this is the ONLY time you can make goals. That would be silly.

With my random ramblings, which I’m sure sounded like word vomit, I hope everyone had a happy holiday and everyone stayed safe.

My Wish

My Wish For You

You may of thought from the beginning that this was awesome. Another success. But little did you know, it wasn’t. Suddenly, all the hopes and dreams came crashing down one by one. Things were said, things that by standards should not have been said aloud. That perfect image was gone and was replaced by an image of constant failure and disappointment. Where did you go so wrong? What could have you done to deserve this? There’s too many possible answers playing through your head. You want this image gone. You are willing to do everything in your power to make it so that image is perfect once again. Your failed attempts lead you to be harsh, cruel, and unforgiving at times. You’ve became someone that has be hidden, waiting deep inside to unleash itself. You would not have gone this root, this root wasn’t meant for you you say. This wasn’t it. You regret the past and become angrier each passing day. Soon enough it consumes you. You’ve become unhinged. Now there’s nothing that will make it go away. You don’t want any part in anything. You’ve come to a point where you’re just living to die. You’ve become so disillusioned that you can’t see the damage that has been placed. Not only in you, in others. You are creating more hate then good. You can’t see this through your fast tempered eyes. Your mouth speaks faster then your mind. You don’t see the things you say or do create more then just words. They have impact.

My wish for you is to see the person you have become and realize everything you have done or said has an effect.

That’s my wish….

DIY Scotch Tape Nails

This is a quick guide for DIY scotch Tape Nails

What You Need

Three Nail Colours, Glitter Nail Polish, Scotch Tape, Black Nail Polish, Scissors, Twizzers, And A Top Coat

Start Off By Gradually Going Up The Nail With The Three Chosen Nail Colours, Remember Lightest First

After The Three Nails Have Dried, Apply The Glitter Nail Polish, I Used A Silver Glitter

Next Add Strips Of Scotch Tape, Twizzers Come In Handy For Making Sure They Go Where You Want. Also, Make Sure To Push The Tape Down So No Colour Gets Underneath, Also Wrap To The Side Of The Finger

Once One Hand Has The Scotch Tape On Them, Start By Covering The Entire Nail Black, Remove Tape Immediately After You Finish Each Nail. Once That Hand Has Dried, Move On To The Next. Once Nails Are Completely Dry, Use A Top Coat.

You Can Use Different Styles Of How They Look, Or Keep Them All The Same. Hope You Liked It 🙂

Why Bother

Ever get that “why bother” feeling? I do. All the time. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do, or even go about it. Just seems to end up failing in some sort of way.

Most of the time I don’t understand why I even try, I mean if it’s going to happen it will right? But I’m the type of person who constantly needs to be in the loop and know what’s going on. I don’t like the “let it go” or the element of surprise. Which could very well be my issue with the why bother. Never the less, I do continue to “bother” because not doing so drives me insane. I need to be able to control what’s going on and near future things also. I just don’t do the whole easy going thing.

If I could I wouldn’t completely take that away from myself but I would turn it down a little, for the sake of my sanity that is. Of course others too.

This would surely get rid of my high stress level, and well I’m sure money would solve another huge chunk, and managing my panic attacks, anxiety, and depression would take away the rest of it.

Unfortunately, the last part is one of my biggest things, I’ve tried numerous times to get my doctor to change medication. This just leads to “I think your fine, blah blah, we will just up the dosage.” But that’s a completely different topic.

Sorry for the rant, as I have not written anything in a month on here but I’m sure someone else knows exactly how I feel to some point. If not completely.

How ‘You’ Still Cripple Me

April 2010, over three years, countless medications, countless methods from seeing a therapist (3 of them) a self help book, talking to people in my situation, and I still feel like I’ve made little progress.

I suppose I’m not the same girl who three agos couldn’t walk into a small convenient store who immediately felt panic sink in, sweaty, shaky, and trying my best to labor my breathing. I can go into small less, crowded stores now. Being outside with too many people still makes the anxiety go a bit high.

I don’t think I’ve been cured, if anything the medication just seems to have taken off the extreme fear. If anything I feel like I’ve now managed just to accept it and deal with the constant reminder that I’m no longer the girl in use to be when anxiety rears it’s ugly head. Which seems to be more often then before.

I still remember what it was like to live without this mental kick in the head. I remember how much I took for granted. Just walking into a crowded area or taking a bus. Those things that I once took for granted have been taken away from me and have been replaced with fear and panic. Simple things that I did everyday of my life have become a challenge more times then not, and have the ability to bring me to my knees.

I often wonder why I was met with this challenge. It feels like my life has been turned upside down and inside out. Being around me in a place where I’m comfortable you wouldn’t know I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, and depression.

The only thing this hasn’t taken is my personality. Everything else feels robbed. I’ve lost friends, lost things I loved doing.

I’m sure someday this will eventually go away and I’ll no longer be a prisoner.