Category Archives: Health

13 Reasons, Suicide

NORTHERN-SUICIDEFor Suicide Rates in Canada click this link

For Suicide Rates in the US click this link

I’ve been debating for a while now whether or not to blog about the book/Netflix series Thirteen Reasons Why, it’s a bit of two-sided coin so to say. I personally watched the show first than read the book, the show was raw, emotional, and heartbreaking, as for the book it was emotional but I found the series to be more.

If you’ve watched the series or read the book than you know what is all about. Suicide. Yes, I said it. Suicide. Most shocking, suicide in teens. The fall out of everything that can lead up to it and showing how people are left to figure out how it happened. There isn’t much talk about mental health in my personal opinion, depression and other mental illnesses have made there way from being taboo although suicide is still a hush subject. It should be more talked about, there shouldn’t be a taboo on the subject because in fact, a lot of people think about it or take action.

So lets take a moment to talk about it shall we? Personally, I have suicide idealization. For years I kept that hidden in a vault never to speak about it, but over the past few years I did start talking about to people I trusted. Than to my doctor. I’ve had huge support and I’ve also had jabs thrown at me, usually the most hurtful are “why would you have anything to be suicidal about?” First off, please don’t say that to someone, it’s hurtful and in some cases can lead to something. Secondly, be supportive, even if you don’t get it, be there. Suggest speaking to a doctor or someone they trust. Even though most people (suicidal or not) do know that suicide doesn’t fix the problem, but they don’t see the light at the end. They don’t see that there is support, they aren’t trying to figure out the future. We will reach out for help but if it goes unnoticed we’ll feel like we are burden to people, that we don’t matter. I’ve lost friends to suicide, I have and still deal with suicide on my own end. It’s not easy, its a long hard road. It’s something people don’t want to talk about, there are hundreds of excuses we can come up with to avoid the subject. DON’T.

Back to the show, watching the show I couldn’t stop watching, but at the same time, knew what Hannah was thinking, now my better judgement told me not to watch it, but I did. The feelings, past and present that came up and all but flooded me. It was in a way a trigger, I hope you know what I mean by that. It was a show that needed to be put out there, it is something that speaks volumes all on its own, so I’m not going to be critic here. You either liked it, or you didn’t. You either get it, or you don’t. I will say that suicide happens way too often and it needs to be discussed more. There are support groups on the internet, doctors, trusted friends, and so forth. Talking about it is the first step to getting help.

You owe it to yourself to seek help.

If you are in Canada and find yourself in a situation please click on the link, it gives hotlines to your province if you need help if you are thinking about suicide.


If you are in the US and find yourself in a situation, please call the National Suicide Hotline which connects you to the nearest crisis centre.

1-800-273-TALK (8255)



Sumed Up – 2015 So Far

Picture from google

Sorry to anyone who has been following my blog as I have not published anything in quite some time it seems. I always mean to but I never get the chance, every time I think about it, it’s always late or I can never figure out what to write about. So I’ll start off with how 2015 has been going…

Well, this isn’t from 2015 but in December 2014 I took my first trip! I went to Florida, we stayed in Daytona, Kissimmee and Daytona. We were there for about 12 days or so. I loved it. I was so scared to fly, my doctor gave me Xanax for emergencies for my panic attacks, and I had them the whole month leading up to leaving for Florida. We caught our flight from Bangor, which was a direct flight to Orlando. It is about a 3 or 4 hour drive from Saint John to get to Bangor. Once we got to the boarder we were pulled in to be questioned. Funny for my first time ever into the States. There was nothing to be suspicious about but I guess I had to get the full experience! Haha. After leaving there, the trip began to Bangor. Once we hit the airport I was calm, I wasn’t panicked or worried. After checking in, and going through security we waited to board the flight. I was a little bit worried about the place since I have never been on a place and from watching to much Mayday I was certain I was doomed if I was to ever fly. Bonus! I was so excited being on the flight, from taking off to landing. The guy next to Arthur asked him if this was my first time flying since I was so was so amazed by everything. Least to say, I’m not afraid to fly anymore and already looking forward to another trip. There was so much to see there and when getting off the flight to Orlando and going outside the heat was so different from what I’m use to, plus when we left it was bitterly cold and lots of snow on the ground. I wish I took more pictures but I guess from just being there I was amazed and in awe. I promise next time I go on a trip, I’ll be sure to take lots of pictures so I can post them on here for everyone to see 🙂

January wasn’t much of anything, started back at work, but in February our family lost someone very dear to us. Donna. She was taken from us too soon and without warning. She had an aneurism in her heart. We all thought she had the flu, but never could have imagined this… I remember going to her place in Nova Scotia as a child every summer before moving to Saint John to be closer with family. Even being in the same city I do wish I could have seen her more often than I did, but I’m sure anyone wishes this. Especially when our loved ones are taken too soon from us without warning.

Donna and John sharing a dance at their 50th wedding anniversary in 2013.
Donna and John sharing a dance at their 50th wedding anniversary in 2013.

At the funeral there was a lovely picture of her and a beautifully written blurb. Here is what it says word for word since I do not have the scanner turned on and I’m writing this on Surface. Plus my printer/scanner isn’t hooked up to this.

Donna was a stubborn, opinionated, and a had an endless supply of attitude. Still, there isn’t a single aspect of her we would ever change. Her personality was a reflection of her passion for life. Donna was also energetic, strong, with a will that could mountains. She was a small lady, but she was feisty. She was not typical, she was not comparable. She was extremely unique and absolutely irreplaceable. As husband, family and friends we have been so very blessed to have had her with us. The life and love she gave has enriched our lives in ways no one else ever could. We will cherish our memories of her, and carry her in our hearts.

Forever hers, as she is forever ours.

Although she has our enternal love; this isn’t goodbye, it is simply ta ta for now.

This was written up by her nephew and was so beautifully written. Although this does say a lot about the kind of woman she was, there are more things to say about her that could not be written down into words.

As February came to an end and March began there was a few more things that took a bump in the road. My mother had surgery to be tested for colon cancer. We are still awaiting the results of what they find. So please, keep her in your thoughts as she and I are going mad with the waiting game.

I’ve recently been tested for PCOS. If you don’t know that is it is called polycystic ovarian disease/syndrome. I am still waiting on the results of the test so I guess I’ll just sit back and wait.

I’ve also recently learned that I have an uncle from the Netherlands. He is the son of my moms dad. This was during the war, and had a son. He has been trying to contact our family for years and finally success. It has been amazing to talk to him and learn about him and his family. I still talk to him nearly everyday using Facebook messenger. Since I have been talking to him for quite some time I have been invited to visit. So right now going to be saving up and maybe looking into going next year sometime with Arthur. So I am looking forward to that.

Well I suppose that is this year so far, in the ways of being major. Other than that it has been day to day life. I promise to start writing more, so please keep reading on my blog! Even though I don’t know who is reading (if anyone is) I appreciate you taking the time out of your day/night to read my blog.

Thank you all again! ❤

Fruit, Surpries, The Return of Mocha, Olympics, and More

I’ve been meaning to make a few posts over the past week or so but I’ve been pretty busy with school and just not having the time, so instead of having a bunch of little posts, why not fit everything into one. Lets go!

I was seriously joking when I went to the doctor and sarcastically said to my boyfriend “watch me come out with another prescription.” …. Well I wasn’t really joking, I was hoping for my doctor to change my anxiety medication, but it wasn’t what I walked out with.

I usually see my doctor every 4-6 weeks, depending on his mood I suppose, usually just to see how I’m doing with the medication I’ve been on and have never changed, even though I’ve repeatedly asked, but that is a complete rant I will not touch.

I went for blood work and an EKG earlier in January due to heart problems that run in my family, no one ever knew about it until my brother had his condition his entire life and went unnoticed. So I’m sitting in the doctors room waiting, he comes in and tells me that the EKG was fine and that my blood work was fine except for my thyroid. I was caught unguarded at this point. I’m 25, what is the matter with it, so I’m throwing questions at him faster then a pitcher all the while trying not to have a mini heart attack. After finding out that I didn’t cause this, and just sometimes these things happen (way for the great explanation doc!) he puts me on a prescription that will increase my thyroid levels and in 2 months I go for blood work to get tested for graves’ disease. Believe me, I heard that term and thought, great, what better disease to have then one with the word grave in it. To my surprise, not that bad. Just means I produced way to much thyroid ‘stuff’. In March I’ll know and I guess we will go from there.

The Return of Mocha!
The Return of Mocha!

This cute little bugger is Mocha, she was born in early December to Missy (in the picture above) Now we already have 4 dogs, so we found homes for the little puppy breath, drag the puppy pad around the house, way to adorable little furry dust bunnies. Of course, we all fell in love with them, certainly Mocha. Being in a house where we love animals, even so much, my dad saved a skunk with a tin can on its head. The day came in January that we had to start saying goodbye to them, my dad not wanting Missy to become depressed decided not all will go at once, which makes sense to me. Maybe because I feel way to much for animals or I’m just a little emotional, who knows. Anyway, so the day came to give Mocha to her parents, we rubbed her blanket on Missy to have the scent and we all said bye, they didn’t stay long, and before the left dad had told them if they had any issues at all to call. Last week, I got a call from my stepmother saying that Mocha was back, I was so happy that I literally leaped into my boyfriends arms after the phone call. Okay, so I’m a little emotional. Regardless, we were all to happy to have Mocha home. Now she didn’t come back because she was a bad puppy, it was because their other dog didn’t get along with her and snipped at her, and the husband who stays home due to a bad accident a few years ago wasn’t really taking care of her. So they called asked if they could bring her back and soon enough she was outside in the truck waiting to come home.

Missy was over excited to have her baby back, dad was happy to have his little “diva” back, and I’m just overly happy that they called and didn’t give her away or send to the SPCA. She’s more hyper then I remember and she still likes to rearrange the puppy pad in case of emergencies and has found a new love of dragging pillows, shoes, and about everything else she can find onto the huge dog bed in the living room.

The opening ceremonies have already happened for Sochi 2014, but I found a few links that I wanted to share.

This is pretty cool, it outlines a few neat facts about the Olympics. I do recommend reading it, it’s pretty short. Number 7 is pretty neat, it says for team Ireland none of the athletes are actually from Ireland. Either way, still cool to know.

Number 11 is also pretty neat, team Jamaica wasn’t going to be able to attend the games if they did not find the money to get to Sochi. They needed $100,000, with the help of the internet they were able to attend. You can always Google to find the actual news article, but to me it’s amazing that people came together so they could attend the games. Let’s hope they do their Country proud!

Another link I found, with the fail of the fifth ring not opening in the opening ceremonies.

Really? They weren’t the first country to have a malfunction, 4 years ago in Canada we had a malfunction as well, and I’m sure before that there was malfunctions, and I can probably bet there will be malfunctions at the next Olympics. It’s just something that happens, and it’s not terrible either, they put so a lot of effort into the opening ceremonies so I’m sure a few little things here and there will not ruin the games, lighten up critics! I think they were pretty dang awesome.

These don’t have any real importance, I just wanted to show my creative side when it comes to making a fruit tray. Hey, can’t blame me for trying. I was quite impressed with myself with my bowl of grapes from a cantaloupe rind and strawberries in a honey due melon rind. Of course, LG helped me with cutting up fruit and washing. Turns out, he doesn’t like papaya lol. Says it tastes like burnt hair and has the texture of salmon.

My Doctor *Sigh*

Going Crazy!

Well let me start off by saying that my Doctor, needs a Doctor….

Before my anxiety and panic attacks reared their ugly head and sent my world into a spinning world of chaos and never ending Doctor visits, I liked my Doctor, even when people said that he wasn’t a good doctor, maybe I should have taken their advice?

He was always pleasant, easy to get along with, seemed to care, and I always left happy and content in what he said.

Recently, by recently I mean the past couple of years I’ve been wondering his ability to actually do his job. Did he just get a cereal box, got a PHD and became a doctor? No, probably not, but it feels like he did. I know some people can relate to doctors like this, and others can’t, for those of who can’t, please don’t think I’m saying all this for the sake of it. No, indeed I have reasons.

When I first came to him with what I had he was eager to help *yay* … Slowly after a while he got less and less enthused to see me. As of my last visit, he laughed at me and said “I’ve done all the magic I could, and unless you have a lot of money to pay for real therapy, I suggest you go to mental health.” Yes… Ponder that for a moment. Ok, done? Now not only did he say this to a patient, who’s been seeing him for the past 10 years, but he laughed and said the above quote. He’s only EVER tried me on 3 different types of anti-anxiety/panic attack medication, which I never knew there were only three kinds of the drug out there *sarcasm to maximum degree possible* so I’m sorry.. He has only ever referred me to one other doctor, whose idea of therapy was to tell me what I did wrong, after almost a year I cut the cord on our relationship. I have been to mental health (which is free mind you) on three separate occasions, only to have them either not take a interest, try and literally bombard my life (in every way possible) and become some sort of therapy mother, and of course the rudeness of it all. I realize that there isn’t much help available to mental health patients when it requires more then just the once over, take this, your good, live your life. I know that’s not in all occasions. But it feels like it is here in this city.

I would go to Mental Health again if I knew I could actually go, I started school to get my GED in November 2013, so I don’t really have all that much time, they aren’t open on the weekends and they close at 4pm during weekdays. It doesn’t really fit into my schedule. I know some people are saying I’m making excuses, and blah blah blah. But I’m really not. I’m always at the doctors, because every month he wants to see me, and he never tells me why, and when I do go he asks why I even came. I don’t know, but it just seems to me that there could be a better doctor out there for me to actually have. But with it being practically impossible right now to have a family doctor, I’m stuck with him. There is a huge waiting list to even get a family doctor, and unless it’s critical you don’t move up the line or even put.

My doctor stresses me out more then one should. He recently just sent me for blood tests (no big deal) and an EKG. Now, my brother has a heart problem that wasn’t caught until 2013, and he needed to have a valve replaced, so shortly after his surgery I was sent in for blood tests and echo-cardiogram, everything came back normal, so I’m not exactly sure why an EKG was necessary? I am happy he’s doing something that is suppose to be done. But what I don’t understand is why he feels the need to practically give up on me when it comes to my mental health. It’s a question I will never have answered, and unfortunately me and him will have our relationship until he retires or I can some how find another doctor.

Maybe, it would be better for the patients to interview the doctors to see if they really are the right fit for them. pfffft.

There’s a War in My Mouth; No One is Winning

“It’s fighting for space” ….. Come again?

Wisdom teeth, art thou a pain in my @##. Yes, that’s right, my bottom wisdom teeth and the gum behind it (towards the back of my mouth) are fighting. For what? Space… I always thought I had a pretty big mouth, guess not.

As my dentist said, who by the way is one of the greatest men alive, thanks to him, I’m no longer scared of the dentist. But yes, my dentist told me when I went to see him a few months back complaining of my back gums hurting and it was starting to hurt when I swallowed. I had assumed it was my wisdom teeth growing in still. 25 and they aren’t fully up, well it turned out it was an infection. Oh?

Turns out my wisdom teeth since they aren’t able to fully grow in because of my gums there is a tiny flap of gum, completely microscopic that hovers over my wisdom teeth, because of this when I eat sometimes the food particle gets stuck under it and since you don’t realize it’s there and you can’t exactly lift it up it will get infected from time to time. Perfect…

My options, have the bottom two removed, which is not a big deal where the top ones got pulled 2 years ago almost. Or have them cut my gums and remove part of it. Well, you can see the option that I’m willing to take.

I leave the dentist prescription in hand for some medicine that’s going to take care of the nasty little problem. About 5 months later and my gum is now sore. I still haven’t gotten the teeth pulled, who wants to be pricked with needles, numb, your tongue might as well not exist, and the drooling that comes over.

I now have an appointment with the dentist on the 30th and see when he can yank the stupid things.

It’s a war in my mouth right now, either tooth nor gum is not winning, I’m not winning and my pain threshold is getting low.

On the bright side I can now count it as part of my body that’s been removed. Seriously, I’ve had my gallbladder go Chuck Norris and has since been removed, other wisdom teeth, and my eyes are getting worse every time I see my optometrist. I believe it’s safe to say if this keeps up, I’m going to go insane. I think a good talking with my body will help set it straight… Maybe.

An Update

Since I haven’t done an update in a while I figured it was time I get my but in gear and do so.

Did you know it is actually possible to have two colds at once? I sure didn’t. I’ve been sick since the beginning of October, near the end of November my cough was something more of a morning thing and the beginning of December it took revenge. So, being the procrastinator that I am I went to the after hours clinic this past Monday. Turns our the cold I had in October was a bad one and when I was finally getting rid of it, I got hot with another strain of cold. Needless to say, I’m now antibiotics. Here’s hoping these work and I’m better before Christmas.

I have also got my but in gear and started to go back to school to get my GED, I’ve only been going since the last week of November but so far so good. It’s been a long time coming, my doctor put me on a new sleeping pill which also acts as an anti anxiety. It’s been pretty good. So I’m able to stay there for the 3 hours and work on it. I’m pretty proud of myself. It took a while to get there but I’m here.

How ‘You’ Still Cripple Me

April 2010, over three years, countless medications, countless methods from seeing a therapist (3 of them) a self help book, talking to people in my situation, and I still feel like I’ve made little progress.

I suppose I’m not the same girl who three agos couldn’t walk into a small convenient store who immediately felt panic sink in, sweaty, shaky, and trying my best to labor my breathing. I can go into small less, crowded stores now. Being outside with too many people still makes the anxiety go a bit high.

I don’t think I’ve been cured, if anything the medication just seems to have taken off the extreme fear. If anything I feel like I’ve now managed just to accept it and deal with the constant reminder that I’m no longer the girl in use to be when anxiety rears it’s ugly head. Which seems to be more often then before.

I still remember what it was like to live without this mental kick in the head. I remember how much I took for granted. Just walking into a crowded area or taking a bus. Those things that I once took for granted have been taken away from me and have been replaced with fear and panic. Simple things that I did everyday of my life have become a challenge more times then not, and have the ability to bring me to my knees.

I often wonder why I was met with this challenge. It feels like my life has been turned upside down and inside out. Being around me in a place where I’m comfortable you wouldn’t know I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, and depression.

The only thing this hasn’t taken is my personality. Everything else feels robbed. I’ve lost friends, lost things I loved doing.

I’m sure someday this will eventually go away and I’ll no longer be a prisoner.


There is nothing more ignoranant then a bully to me. It’s a complete a waste of time. It seems like it has gotten worse over the past couple of years or it could very well be that it wasn’t such a ‘hot’ topic.

I don’t know of anyone who has not been bullied. Yes some aren’t as bad as others but it doesn’t make it any less right.

There are so many kids/teenagers that get bullied every single day and most of it goes unnoticed. Maybe not because the person doesn’t say anything but no one wants to do anything.

Last year, a middle school girl was held down and a couple of girls cut her hair off. I mean it’s not always mental. There’s physical abusive. It doesn’t make any sense what so ever to do this to someone. Whether it’s words or the actual action of hurting someone.

There should be more in place I believe to help these people out. Not just a one or two time deal.

Myself, I was bullied in middle school. It wasn’t the greatest time in my life but I know I was lucky that it wasn’t as bad as it can be.

To me I don’t understand why or how people can be so down right mean. I don’t get it how someone can do something to someone that hurts them, regardless of what kind of bullying it is. It’s just plain nonsense.

Word Vomit, Rant

Okay, so I’ve gotten a little ticked over the past few months over certain things and I thought I would spill it all out for you to read. I’m sorry if this offends anyone or just plain bad ranting.

So where to begin. Ah! Health care, insurance plans, dental. These three things all lead to me being ticked. It’s what I can’t figure out, frustrates me, and just boggles my mind.

So our health care is pretty good, I’m not going to lie and say its terrible. But I’ve been on both good and horrible sides of this. But I’m seeing it with my friends and their issues, I won’t go into detail about their personal struggles/lives so I’ll give you an example of how our health care screwed me over… Back in 2008 I started getting this horrible pain, I literally thought I was dying. Naturally I called my dad. He told me he thought it was my gallbladder. So I went to my family doctor. Looking back I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea. He barely listens. Anyway, he confirmed what my dad had told me and that was that. Okay. No problem. Well these attacks were becoming more frequent and more painful. Near the end I couldn’t even drink water without being in pain. I went to our emergency room numerous times for the attacks. Every time they said it was probably stones and they would pass over time. Nothing else. I kept going back because when it feels like your dying you want a doctor to fix the issue. Still it was the same thing over and over. Finally, someone gave me some painkillers for the attacks so that I could actually drink and eat without regretting my decision later. This lasted for 10 months. They had me on Tylenol 3, Demerol, morphing, percacets for 10 months. Finally, the last thing was my boyfriend at the time called 911 because of the pain I was in, well I was taken in, given a IV, 3 types of painkillers later I was still in pain. They took me for x rays (first time they did this) and then after being in the emerg for about 8 hours the doctor had made an appointment with a surgeon and wrote me a prescription for even more pain killers to get me through until my appointment. I was into my surgeon within days and in surgery within 3 days after my appt. After my surgery and I was coherent enough to understand what she was saying she had told me for the past 10 months my gallbladder had been failing. This was why the attacks were happening when I only drank water and were lasting more then 4 hours (normal attacks last up to four hours) mine were lasting up to 10 hours at a time.

That was the worst experience I’ve ever had with our health care. I’m thankful for the last doctor I seen who finally figured out something should have been done and I’m thankful for my surgeon. But everything before was horrible. I don’t understand after a couple times of being at the hospital no one thought to give me an x ray to actually see if it was the stones they all told me it was. I don’t understand why it took 10 months, but in the end I had it removed and I’m thankful for that.

Another thing that bothers me is insurance plans. My Mother isn’t able to work due to seizures. She was on my fathers medical plan even after they split up and divorced until my dad turned 65 and they ended his coverage even though he’s still working and he’ll be 67 this summer. My moms medication a month is around 500$ a month. She’s on a fixed income so it’s hard. Not only that but the fact that no insurance plan will take her is something that boils my blood. We’ve talked to every insurance company and they won’t cover her medication because its a pre-existing condition. I mean really!???!! I can in a way understand why they won’t but at the time I believe it’s complete nonsense. Get off your high horse and cover people who no longer have insurance provided by work, who have pre-existing conditions. I don’t know exactly the ins and outs of how they come to this conclusion but why can’t they charge maybe more for the insurance? I don’t get it, it frustrates me because my mother is now paying out of pocket on a fixed income. She’s even applied for a health card through social assistance but denied her because she makes to much a year. You’ve got to be joking. She gets 900$ a month. After rent, groceries, bills, and medication she’s got pocket change. And yet she still doesn’t qualify for a health card. She’s also applied for disability twice and been denied twice. She’s had to pay the doctor 200$ so far just to fill out forms for her to get the documents sent away saying she does suffer from seizures and is currently on medication and more doctor talk. It just makes me mad because the people who truly need help there isn’t any.

Lastly, dental. Oh how this strikes a nerve. Like I’m not sure what everyone else has, but we have Medicare. Which covers our health. Like hospitals and such. Well in my opinion I think their should be a card for dental as well. Not everyone can afford a dentist. Especially if your plan isn’t good or you don’t have a plan. It’s expensive. To get just a cleaning can cost around 200$. I mean for most people no one has that sitting for dental work. It’s part of your health. A lot of health causes are due to poor hygiene. I’m not saying people who have poor hygiene is due to not taking care of your teeth (in some cases yes) but in general it’s expensive. Now I’m not saying this magical card would cover everything. Basic things. Cleanings, fillings because let’s face it. Not everyone flosses everyday day. I know I don’t. But like if you need cosmetic work such as braces, dentures, implants, crowns, etc you should pay out of pocket. But at least the basic should be covered.

Now optical on the other hand I don’t have any problem with. Every two years. No big deal. At least you have that time to save up if you know you need glasses. And the eye exam itself isn’t expensive. Least not here. It’s around 60$.

I’m sorry if I struck a nerve with anyone, like I said I’m just talking about where I live and how things go and what makes me rant.

If you have any comments or anything in general leave a comment. I’d like to hear your opinions! 🙂