Category Archives: Life

The Wedding

Questions And Second Guessing Your Decisions On Every Detail

Weeks leading up the wedding your always wondering questions, did I count the final number rights, does the timeline fit with everything else. What about that seating chart? Does everything look right? Can everyone get into the reception long before guests arrive? … These are a just a few questions racking my head as the weeks, than days leading up until my wedding. Over all everything was taken care of and I finally stopped stressing out so much.

The Night Before

The night before the wedding we had to decorate the hall for the reception. We didn’t go over the top but it was beautiful, everyone was there to help, my mom dad and step mom, my maid of honor and bridesmaid. Arthur’s main family and a few close friends. There was also the caterer to set up tables.

They say bad weather before your wedding is a good omen, I know that to be true now as of the night before while we were decorating we had a gorgeous thunder and lightning show.

Now The Wedding Day

Let me begin with, everything went without a hitch minus me almost tripping behind the altar to sign the register but apparently no one knew. Things over all could have gone worse.

The day started bright and early to meet with my maid of honor and bridesbride and soon to be future mother in law and mom to go and get pretty. 9am, my photographer was already there, soon after my flower girl came with her mom and Aunt. It was in full swing, pictures being taken, hair and make up, and even 7 year olds putting my wedding shoes on for the fun of it.

We decided to get ready at my mother in laws house because it is bigger and they don’t have animals so it was best not to walk down the aisle with my dogs black fur all over me. We ate, chatted, people started to come to get ready. I know my dress was taken for a grand tour getting pictures done outside. It was fun.

Everyone was beginning to get ready, my dad and step mom showed up because A. It’s customary for your father to drive you to the church and B. I wanted a picture of me (very confusingly at first) trying to put out his boutineer lol. I’m sure we got some great photos but I’ve never done one before so it was pretty foreign to me.

When I finally got ready after having someone help me into my dress, yeah you always need help but it’s a lot harder than it seems. I put my jewelry on, and I was amazed. I looked exactly how I wanted to. I felt beautiful. The photographer at this point had made my dad go out on the deck so he could be surprised (that’s when the boutineer happened) but us girls had our photos taken in different spots.

Dad, my maid of honor, bridesmaid and I in dad’s truck, we were off to the church. I’m known for never being on time, so I was pretty proud that I had minutes to spare before the wedding. Everyone knew how to enter as we had just a rehearsal 2 days before the wedding. Everything went great. My dad and mom walked me down the aisle, it was more than I could have asked for.

The ceremony was beautiful and I had a niece and close family friend read as well. It was a Catholic wedding without mass, so pretty straight forward. If you’re not sure, it’s basically readings and psalms. If we had a mass it would have been much much longer.

After the ceremony, we had pictures taken, and then the reception! We had a grand entrance, hey, it’s our wedding day so might as well do everything fun and great! The reception was great, food, some games, dancing and all around a good time with friends and family. A teacher of mine even stopped over during the reception to see me, it meant a lot to me that she did that. We got a few pictures taken together as well.

All in all, the day was great, it was a perfect day weather and wedding wise. The only thing I found is that it went by way too quickly for me. Although we will have pictures of that day to look at and the memories.

Life In 2017 So Far With a Bit Of 2016 Thrown In

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I should be writing more into my blog, as there is so much I want type but I never do, I have the app on my phone as well as my tablet. I have a computer, so why is it I never write? I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t write is because I’m so worried about what other people will think of me. I think maybe it’s because my thoughts and rants will make people think less of me somehow. This isn’t how I wanted to start my first blog of the year, so let us get on with my true purpose for this blog.

We’re only 13 days into the new year, and so far it’s been pretty good. Back track a bit into 2016, my dog Trapper turned 1 in October, he was spoiled during his birthday.PC240222.JPG

Christmas was also a really good time, it’s the last Christmas as a “single” person with my dad and family. My dad made it really special, it wasn’t like other past Christmas’ before, so I really reveled in it. My uncle Bob was over, my brother Scott his fiancé Reeva and my niece Sarah came over for the day and had dinner. I don’t normally don’t get to see them so I was extremely happy to have them there. I took a few pictures of Christmas, here are a few.

Those are some of the photo’s I took on Christmas day. Funny enough my brother, uncle and dad all bought each other the same jacket. Apparently everyone had the same idea.

Shortly before Christmas Arthur and I had our engagement photos done by Pristine Photography. Here is a couple of them. She’s an amazing person and amazing to work with as well.

My fiancée was home until the 7th of January which was nice to have him home for 3 weeks, he is now back in Alberta working, sadly I won’t see him until June. Since we are getting married in New Brunswick I have to stay here to work on the wedding and meet with people still. Our wedding is in July, the day is coming closer than I can imagine. My wedding dress is suppose to come in next month sometime, which I’m extremely excited for, fittings and seeing it again, and also the shoes I have for my dress, it’s going to be more real than it was before. I’m taking my mom to pick up my dress since my dad doesn’t want to see the dress until the day of, which I really like.  Since my fiancée was home we were able to get him fitted for his tux, pick out our wedding bands and also meet with the Father. I got readings approved for the wedding, which is a great relief so I was able to send out the readings to my niece and a family friend Alyson.

Since we aren’t very far into the new year there hasn’t been a lot of stuff that has gone on day to day. Overall, I’m assuming this year will go by very fast, with a lot of ups and I’m sure stress.

 

Also check out the “About Me” section as I’ve added other ways you can follow me on different social media platforms.

If You Look At Me

If you look at me, I look like an average 27 year old, I’m engaged, I do things that you would normally expect. If you look at me closely, you can see me fidget, my eyes flickering, I’m sweating, I look nervous. If you could look through my eyes you would see I don’t feel like an average 27 year old, I feel like I don’t belong in my own body, I feel life has thrown me a huge curve ball that I can’t ditch.
You see, I suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and recently diagnosed with PTSD. I also have an under active thyroid, acid reflex, BPD, and insomnia. That is a lot under a belt of a young woman; I haven’t been able to work in 6 years due to my mental illness. I’ve suffered from panic attacks and depression since I was little but went undiagnosed until 2010, in May of this year my city Fort McMurray burnt, I lost my home, I lost everything. I was diagnosed with PTSD in July of 2016.
Many people don’t see me as I feel, they don’t understand. I try and explain but most times I get confused looks or an apologetic smile. There are people who I thought I could count on have now abandoned me, think my mental illness is nothing but ‘in my head’ and I should be able to live a normal life. It’s because if you look at me, you don’t see an illness, you just see me. Someone who can keep a conversation if I try, go to places if my day is ok, someone who is always there for people regardless and try to help people as much as I can.
The thing is, you don’t see the amount of pills I have to take everyday just get through that day, you don’t see my mind turning a million miles a minute going through every scenario when you ask me to go to the mall because I’m scared my anxiety and panic attacks will show up. If you look at me, really look at me and get to know me you know easy decisions are big decisions for me to make. I can’t just get up and go out to a market, or go out for a walk, my mental illness keeps me prisoner of most things. With a lot of help in the past 6 years I can do small stores now. That is a big achievement and while most people think nothing of going to your local drug store that was and sometimes still is a huge thing for me.
But if you look at me, you won’t see all of this, you’ll see me and how I appear on the outside, but if you know me and look at me you will see I’m trying to battle my mental illness, that I do it every day multiple times through out the day, and I am not just my illness, I am a fighter.

Family Don’t End In Blood

Not to long after the fire had hit (in some cases within hours) I had an overwhelming amount of support, not only from some of my family but others as well…

I’m apart of a group called ‘AKF’ which is Always Keep Fighting. To me, this isn’t just any group, it is a family. This family was brought together from a television show called Supernatural, from that one of the main characters Sam Winchester (Jared Padalecki) is an avid supporter of TWLOHA.* Jared does amazing work, creates campaigns, and speaks out about various causes. More importantly, his courage, strength, he speaks out about his own personal struggles with his mental illness, and his ability to push through whatever task is before him, is in a way what created Always Keep Fighting.

Everyone is our family is battling a mental illness, physical illness, struggles on a daily basis, and even multiple things at once. I’m so lucky to know these people, to have them behind me. It is a safe place to let out what you’re feeling no matter what that may be, there is never any judgment. You can always count on them to encourage and help you out along the way.

This family is where I immediately (without mentioning) got an overwhelming amount of love and support. They seen what was happening on the news in my home city and Facebook, I got messages, thoughts, anything you could imagine, it was there.

It doesn’t stop there with my family, after I had posted that Arthur and I had lost our house, without me knowing set up a fund for me to help me get basic things that I had lost. (Did I mention that they can be very sneaky?) People sent money, then Claudia had sent it to me. Can you believe it? I couldn’t at first, it was so overwhelming, I never expected this. It didn’t stop there there, once I had got to my temporary home, I was getting cards, letters, and even books! I even got a very special bracelet that Ronni gave me.

Almost 2 months after the fire I’m still getting letters, cards, well wishes via Facebook.  There has been so many people who have and keep continuing to keep me in their thoughts and prayers. They have wished me nothing but happiness and than some.

These people are the type of people who the world needs more of. The world needs more love, encouragement, strength and selflessness. My family has shown me time and time again  (not just with me) that ‘Family Don’t End In Blood.)** that no matter what I or anyone else is going through they are there, day or night. They will sit up with you, talk, and calm you down. This is what the world needs more of.

I can’t show enough thanks to them, that I can’t even begin to show them what they mean to me and how appreciate how they helped me through the worst time of my life. I know I can’t begin to name everyone, but there are people that I would personally like to thank.

♡ Lydia
♡ Quinn
♡ Emily
♡ Ronni
♡ Jori
♡ Sarah
♡ Saundra
♡ Baylie
♡ Claudia
♡ Audrey
♡ Tiffany
♡ Felly
♡ Nicky
♡ Sherry
♡ Dedra
♡ Judy
♡ Alyssa
♡ Katie
♡ Felicia
♡ Teresa
♡ Lisa
♡ Talia
♡ Nicole
♡ Cassy
♡ Sally
♡ Brittany
♡ Trish
♡ Rae
♡ Jess

☆I did not put last names due to privacy☆

*TWLOHA – To Write Love On Her Names
You can read more about this amazing cause and how they help here

**Family Don’t End In Blood – Supernatural character Bobby Singer.

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Bobby Singer

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Jared at comic con
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Mark Shepard (Crowley) Jensen Ackles (Dean Winchester) Jared Padalecki (Sam Winchester) Misha Collins (Castiel)
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Jared with the Always Keep Fighting candle

What I’ve Missed From Having Divorced Parents

I’m going to start off by saying I don’t think my childhood was in anyway horrible or any less loved.  This is just what I’ve noticed from having divorced parents. 

I’m 25 going on 26, I was 13 going on 14 when my mother decided she was leaving.

Looking back now I can see that they weren’t happy at all growing up, they stayed together for 36 years.

They tried to hide the fighting between them, but then again what couple doesn’t have their moments? Growing up my parents stopped sleeping in the same room when I was around 5 or 6. Mom had always told me that it was because dad didn’t could handle mom snoring.  Young and blissfully gullible I believed it, that it was normal. Dad was at the camp on weekends if him and I didn’t have our bike rides together. Mom and I went shopping together. I couldn’t see anything wrong with this picture.

In September mom had had enough.  She looked herself into the bedroom for a good couple of weeks and only came out for showers, food, or going out. I knew what was going on and waited for the worse. They told me they were separating and that mom was going to live in my uncles apartment building. Of course, I cried like a baby. 

Looking back, they made every attempt to keep me away from their ongoing marriage battles. Holidays were spent with my family and I and we would visit our cousins after. I thank them for that because I had a great childhood. 

What was missing was the dancing between them in the kitchen to songs, kisses, hugs, and the love between them.  Clearly they were not happy, and I don’t blame them from splitting up. They get along like best friends now. 

What I see between other older married couples use to make feel uncomfortable where that wasn’t what I had or came from. I no longer feel uncomfortable but maybe a little sad because I missed out on having that. I never felt any less loved because I had two amazing parents who would jump mountains for me and still would. They are my parents and I love them unconditionally.

Time has passed and my dad has remarried and my mom still lives in the same apartment building but she’s grown so much stronger for herself. I’m proud of both my parents for having the courage to walk away from each other and realize that they were better off living separate lives. I know some people never/don’t have that kind of love regardless if the parents are together or not. I’m thankful for my upbringing.

My Doctor *Sigh*

Going Crazy!

Well let me start off by saying that my Doctor, needs a Doctor….

Before my anxiety and panic attacks reared their ugly head and sent my world into a spinning world of chaos and never ending Doctor visits, I liked my Doctor, even when people said that he wasn’t a good doctor, maybe I should have taken their advice?

He was always pleasant, easy to get along with, seemed to care, and I always left happy and content in what he said.

Recently, by recently I mean the past couple of years I’ve been wondering his ability to actually do his job. Did he just get a cereal box, got a PHD and became a doctor? No, probably not, but it feels like he did. I know some people can relate to doctors like this, and others can’t, for those of who can’t, please don’t think I’m saying all this for the sake of it. No, indeed I have reasons.

When I first came to him with what I had he was eager to help *yay* … Slowly after a while he got less and less enthused to see me. As of my last visit, he laughed at me and said “I’ve done all the magic I could, and unless you have a lot of money to pay for real therapy, I suggest you go to mental health.” Yes… Ponder that for a moment. Ok, done? Now not only did he say this to a patient, who’s been seeing him for the past 10 years, but he laughed and said the above quote. He’s only EVER tried me on 3 different types of anti-anxiety/panic attack medication, which I never knew there were only three kinds of the drug out there *sarcasm to maximum degree possible* so I’m sorry.. He has only ever referred me to one other doctor, whose idea of therapy was to tell me what I did wrong, after almost a year I cut the cord on our relationship. I have been to mental health (which is free mind you) on three separate occasions, only to have them either not take a interest, try and literally bombard my life (in every way possible) and become some sort of therapy mother, and of course the rudeness of it all. I realize that there isn’t much help available to mental health patients when it requires more then just the once over, take this, your good, live your life. I know that’s not in all occasions. But it feels like it is here in this city.

I would go to Mental Health again if I knew I could actually go, I started school to get my GED in November 2013, so I don’t really have all that much time, they aren’t open on the weekends and they close at 4pm during weekdays. It doesn’t really fit into my schedule. I know some people are saying I’m making excuses, and blah blah blah. But I’m really not. I’m always at the doctors, because every month he wants to see me, and he never tells me why, and when I do go he asks why I even came. I don’t know, but it just seems to me that there could be a better doctor out there for me to actually have. But with it being practically impossible right now to have a family doctor, I’m stuck with him. There is a huge waiting list to even get a family doctor, and unless it’s critical you don’t move up the line or even put.

My doctor stresses me out more then one should. He recently just sent me for blood tests (no big deal) and an EKG. Now, my brother has a heart problem that wasn’t caught until 2013, and he needed to have a valve replaced, so shortly after his surgery I was sent in for blood tests and echo-cardiogram, everything came back normal, so I’m not exactly sure why an EKG was necessary? I am happy he’s doing something that is suppose to be done. But what I don’t understand is why he feels the need to practically give up on me when it comes to my mental health. It’s a question I will never have answered, and unfortunately me and him will have our relationship until he retires or I can some how find another doctor.

Maybe, it would be better for the patients to interview the doctors to see if they really are the right fit for them. pfffft.

An Update

Since I haven’t done an update in a while I figured it was time I get my but in gear and do so.

Did you know it is actually possible to have two colds at once? I sure didn’t. I’ve been sick since the beginning of October, near the end of November my cough was something more of a morning thing and the beginning of December it took revenge. So, being the procrastinator that I am I went to the after hours clinic this past Monday. Turns our the cold I had in October was a bad one and when I was finally getting rid of it, I got hot with another strain of cold. Needless to say, I’m now antibiotics. Here’s hoping these work and I’m better before Christmas.

I have also got my but in gear and started to go back to school to get my GED, I’ve only been going since the last week of November but so far so good. It’s been a long time coming, my doctor put me on a new sleeping pill which also acts as an anti anxiety. It’s been pretty good. So I’m able to stay there for the 3 hours and work on it. I’m pretty proud of myself. It took a while to get there but I’m here.

True Love, It Exisits

Image From Yahoo
Image From Yahoo

Cheesy Thing To Say? Maybe. But I Believe it

Growing up, most little girls dream of their wedding days, I never did… But I did take part in this little elementary school faze where you would twist the stem of an apple while singing your ABC’S and when the stem broke off the letter you stopped on was the first initial of the guy you were going to marry. Who would have guessed I went through the entire alphabet and got back on ‘A’ when it stopped…

Now through out dating guys, girls in general wonder if he’s the one, I never did, because I never had a thought of marrying them. Nor did I ever think that I would find out what love actually is.

I’ve had serious relationships and they all went down the crapper so to speak. They weren’t my knight in shining armor but someone wrapped in tinfoil. I did tell them I loved them because at the time I thought I did. Until I met LG and it all changed, and found out what love actually is and how it’s suppose to be.

I met LG and within a month I just had this feeling, a different kind of feeling of love for him. Not the typical past kind of love I had felt. This was completely utterly different. Not only that, but after a few months of dating, I began to realize this is the guy that I want to grow old with. It blew my mind. From not having this feeling for anyone before to suddenly it’s in my face. Best feeling in the world.

LG gets me, he knows me better then I know myself half the time, and I with him. We bicker, but it’s never a long bicker, we don’t argue, fight, or say anything that would in turn become a relationship war. He’s my other half. He’s an oddball like me, we can do stupid things and to us, its awesome. Nothing else would compare. He lets me rant when I’m in a bad mood, and I can be good at trying to have a complete useless argument over nothing, which he’ll agree to. I know he doesn’t feel the same thing when I’m on a mad rant, and in the end, when I’ve realized I’m being completely off my rocker, he just smiles, and usually I end up smiling because of him.

There is so much about him that I could mush over, but the point I’m getting at, is true love really does exist. It’s that person who is you but the opposite gender (or same in some cases.) I find this absolutely amazing of the feeling you have when you have met that person. It is unlike anything else. No I didn’t hear bells and no, no one from above sang a lovely song. It was just there. It blind sided me so to speak. I have nothing but awe for this man.

Growing up, most of my family is divorced, or broken up after so many years together, so I thought my chances would be rather slim; but without my knowledge something happened and I met LG.

I feel like it’s one of those girl meets boy, fell in love, have an amazing life kind of things. Almost like the movies. With a doubt, I feel like I was suppose to find LG after having past relationships, so I could allow myself to actually see what true love is, and how it is suppose to be.

I can’t wait to be Mrs.LG. I can’t wait to grow old together, raise a family, teach our children our knowledge and so forth.

I know what I have with LG and I almost half the time am in awe over the connection we share and continue to share, I couldn’t be any happier now then I am with LG.

My Wish

My Wish For You

You may of thought from the beginning that this was awesome. Another success. But little did you know, it wasn’t. Suddenly, all the hopes and dreams came crashing down one by one. Things were said, things that by standards should not have been said aloud. That perfect image was gone and was replaced by an image of constant failure and disappointment. Where did you go so wrong? What could have you done to deserve this? There’s too many possible answers playing through your head. You want this image gone. You are willing to do everything in your power to make it so that image is perfect once again. Your failed attempts lead you to be harsh, cruel, and unforgiving at times. You’ve became someone that has be hidden, waiting deep inside to unleash itself. You would not have gone this root, this root wasn’t meant for you you say. This wasn’t it. You regret the past and become angrier each passing day. Soon enough it consumes you. You’ve become unhinged. Now there’s nothing that will make it go away. You don’t want any part in anything. You’ve come to a point where you’re just living to die. You’ve become so disillusioned that you can’t see the damage that has been placed. Not only in you, in others. You are creating more hate then good. You can’t see this through your fast tempered eyes. Your mouth speaks faster then your mind. You don’t see the things you say or do create more then just words. They have impact.

My wish for you is to see the person you have become and realize everything you have done or said has an effect.

That’s my wish….

How ‘You’ Still Cripple Me

April 2010, over three years, countless medications, countless methods from seeing a therapist (3 of them) a self help book, talking to people in my situation, and I still feel like I’ve made little progress.

I suppose I’m not the same girl who three agos couldn’t walk into a small convenient store who immediately felt panic sink in, sweaty, shaky, and trying my best to labor my breathing. I can go into small less, crowded stores now. Being outside with too many people still makes the anxiety go a bit high.

I don’t think I’ve been cured, if anything the medication just seems to have taken off the extreme fear. If anything I feel like I’ve now managed just to accept it and deal with the constant reminder that I’m no longer the girl in use to be when anxiety rears it’s ugly head. Which seems to be more often then before.

I still remember what it was like to live without this mental kick in the head. I remember how much I took for granted. Just walking into a crowded area or taking a bus. Those things that I once took for granted have been taken away from me and have been replaced with fear and panic. Simple things that I did everyday of my life have become a challenge more times then not, and have the ability to bring me to my knees.

I often wonder why I was met with this challenge. It feels like my life has been turned upside down and inside out. Being around me in a place where I’m comfortable you wouldn’t know I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, and depression.

The only thing this hasn’t taken is my personality. Everything else feels robbed. I’ve lost friends, lost things I loved doing.

I’m sure someday this will eventually go away and I’ll no longer be a prisoner.