Category Archives: My Life

My Story..

Not too long ago a friend of mine is doing a project to give to Jared Padalecki in April, she asked us for our story, simply, our life with our mental illness, how Jared himself has helped, and how our family (AKF- Always Keep Fighting) has helped us. I gave her my story after having a few people read it to see if it was good. I got a lot of good responses on it so I decided to post it on my blog for others to see. Hopefully it can help someone, maybe they will reach out or maybe no one will read it so it will be put into cyber-internet for no one to see.. Either way, here it goes.

 

I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia, and most recently PTSD.

In March,2010 I was currently working at a call center for Philips Products. I loved my job and looked forward to going each day. A few weeks before April I started having nightmares, they were when I was travelling to work by city transit, which is what I always did so it was nothing foreign to me. In my nightmare when the bus was travelling over the Reversing Falls Bridge the bus would go off the road towards the cliff and we would go over, I’d wake up then. I should have taken it as a warning but I didn’t think much of it.

About a week after the dreams started when I started taking the bus I would get really nervous and my hands would be sweaty. Once I did the transfer to the other bus that went towards my work it was a few short minutes than I would be fine, after work taking the bus was fine, I was having no issues.

Usually around that time of year work was really slow so we were allowed to call in before shift to see if they needed us, if not we were allowed the day off without pay. I was hoping to get this day off because my mother and I were supposed to go to the mall where I transferred buses so I could pick something out for a dress I was going to be wearing to a graduation of a friend. To my luck, it wasn’t busy and was able to have the day off.

My mother and I took the bus to the mall, the same bus I took to go to work before transferring, around the same time on the bus my hands got sweaty and I tried to focus on something else. It always worked in the past, but it didn’t feel right this time. The feeling which I now know as anxiety went away and we arrived at the mall. When we got the mall I started feeling the anxiety again and told my mom I needed to use the bathroom. I raced towards the bathroom and went into the stall. I sat down and tried to will the feeling to go away but it just got worse. I was getting sweatier, my vision didn’t feel right, like I couldn’t focus on anything, my stomach was doing flips, my heart felt like it was going to burst from my chest. My mother at this time came in to see what was taking so long, I felt embarrassed because there was other ladies in the stalls and I could only yell out that I would be another minute. When I finally thought, I could get this under control and everything in my body calmed down I came out and told my mom what had happened. We walked up the hall towards a store and it all rushed back into my body and I started freaking out, I told my mom that I was going to go outside for a smoke, she was preoccupied and I don’t think she really heard me. I ran outside tears streaming down my eyes, my body shaking, and all the other things I felt in the stall were happening. I remember the time, it was shortly after 12pm because my dad was on lunch at work. I called him and told him what was happening, he stayed on the phone with me listening to me and trying to keep me calm. He told me to call a cab and go back to my moms. After he let me go I remember seeing a construction worker watching me and thinking if something happens he will see. I called the cab and it arrived within minutes. I didn’t even think about my mom. I was running towards to the cab to jump in and mom yelling out my name running after me. She got into the cab and she was clearly upset with me, I told the cab driver where to go. In 10 minutes, we were home. I paid and ran into the apartment. My mom yelled and she didn’t understand what was going on, I tried to explain but she didn’t understand. I felt very sick to my stomach. Every day after that for a week I called in sick because I was scared to leave the house. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. After 2 weeks my father came by and told me we were going to see my doctor. I was clearly not doing well and he needed to know what was wrong. The 20 minute drive felt like forever and I was constantly drinking water because it felt like that was the only thing I could do to keep calm. My doctor diagnosed me with severe anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I was given medication and a follow up with a doctors note stating I was off of work for four months on medical leave.

Ultimately, I was also diagnosed with agoraphobia, I lost my job in November,2010 because I was hardly able to stay at work long enough without having another attack.

They were constantly changing my medication and I was seeing a mental health worker. I was put on medical leave until further notice.

I suffered with it in silence for years because neither my parents or friends understood what I was going through. One day while just browsing Facebook for Supernatural related things I came across a group called AKF Always Keep Fighting. I requested to join, and immediately found what I needed, a FAMILY. Hundreds of other people who were going through what I was. I found a place where I felt I belong. I was never turned away or felt unwanted. I knew Jared Padalecki suffered from a mental illness but I never knew he had shirts/sweaters/tanks through a website that helped. I missed the first one, and everyone after that I had gotten a hoodie from his campaigns. I even got one from Jim Beaver’s campaign that had said “Family don’t end in blood.” All these sweaters were very important to me and I learned more about TWLOHA. Jared became more than just actor, he became some one I could relate to because he never hid his mental illness. It was something everyone in our SPN family could relate to and become apart of. Those hoodies meant the world to me, knowing I was apart of a fandom, a family, a collective support group.

Over the years from 2010 I was able to do more things but still suffer, I went to see a therapist and through a lot of hard work I had repressed memories from when I was child. I had always suffered from mental illness, I remember having panic attacks as a child and anxiety. It was a breakthrough but also a set back because I my brain had supressed memories and now they were haunting me.

In November 2015, I moved from Saint John, NB to Fort McMurray, AB, in May 2016 there was a wildfire that reached the town. I moved back home and seen someone and learned I had PTSD. I had lost everything in the fire. All my hoodies from the campaigns, things I can’t replace from family that is now gone.

My SPN family rushed to my side and people donated money to me to help me get back on my feet. I was overwhelmed with support from people all over the world. Even though I was going through a devastating time there was my family, supporting me, pushing me through. 

I couldn’t be more thankful to Jared, to my SPN family, the people I became close to over the years. The people who no matter what I share everything with and help. To these people, they have changed my life for the better, even when I feel like I can’t go on. I think of these people who help me push forward. I hope to meet Jared one day and be able to thank him in person for what he was done for me even though he doesn’t know. My story is far from over and I’m still trying to cope with everything but I’ve learned to be more open about my illness, I speak about it with people who are just learning about it. I lost all my friends when mine became too much and no one wanted to deal with me. I’ve learned it’s ok to have set backs, it’s ok to need help. It’s to Always Keep Fighting.

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Family Don’t End In Blood

Not to long after the fire had hit (in some cases within hours) I had an overwhelming amount of support, not only from some of my family but others as well…

I’m apart of a group called ‘AKF’ which is Always Keep Fighting. To me, this isn’t just any group, it is a family. This family was brought together from a television show called Supernatural, from that one of the main characters Sam Winchester (Jared Padalecki) is an avid supporter of TWLOHA.* Jared does amazing work, creates campaigns, and speaks out about various causes. More importantly, his courage, strength, he speaks out about his own personal struggles with his mental illness, and his ability to push through whatever task is before him, is in a way what created Always Keep Fighting.

Everyone is our family is battling a mental illness, physical illness, struggles on a daily basis, and even multiple things at once. I’m so lucky to know these people, to have them behind me. It is a safe place to let out what you’re feeling no matter what that may be, there is never any judgment. You can always count on them to encourage and help you out along the way.

This family is where I immediately (without mentioning) got an overwhelming amount of love and support. They seen what was happening on the news in my home city and Facebook, I got messages, thoughts, anything you could imagine, it was there.

It doesn’t stop there with my family, after I had posted that Arthur and I had lost our house, without me knowing set up a fund for me to help me get basic things that I had lost. (Did I mention that they can be very sneaky?) People sent money, then Claudia had sent it to me. Can you believe it? I couldn’t at first, it was so overwhelming, I never expected this. It didn’t stop there there, once I had got to my temporary home, I was getting cards, letters, and even books! I even got a very special bracelet that Ronni gave me.

Almost 2 months after the fire I’m still getting letters, cards, well wishes via Facebook.  There has been so many people who have and keep continuing to keep me in their thoughts and prayers. They have wished me nothing but happiness and than some.

These people are the type of people who the world needs more of. The world needs more love, encouragement, strength and selflessness. My family has shown me time and time again  (not just with me) that ‘Family Don’t End In Blood.)** that no matter what I or anyone else is going through they are there, day or night. They will sit up with you, talk, and calm you down. This is what the world needs more of.

I can’t show enough thanks to them, that I can’t even begin to show them what they mean to me and how appreciate how they helped me through the worst time of my life. I know I can’t begin to name everyone, but there are people that I would personally like to thank.

♡ Lydia
♡ Quinn
♡ Emily
♡ Ronni
♡ Jori
♡ Sarah
♡ Saundra
♡ Baylie
♡ Claudia
♡ Audrey
♡ Tiffany
♡ Felly
♡ Nicky
♡ Sherry
♡ Dedra
♡ Judy
♡ Alyssa
♡ Katie
♡ Felicia
♡ Teresa
♡ Lisa
♡ Talia
♡ Nicole
♡ Cassy
♡ Sally
♡ Brittany
♡ Trish
♡ Rae
♡ Jess

☆I did not put last names due to privacy☆

*TWLOHA – To Write Love On Her Names
You can read more about this amazing cause and how they help here

**Family Don’t End In Blood – Supernatural character Bobby Singer.

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Bobby Singer

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Jared at comic con
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Mark Shepard (Crowley) Jensen Ackles (Dean Winchester) Jared Padalecki (Sam Winchester) Misha Collins (Castiel)
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Jared with the Always Keep Fighting candle

Sumed Up – 2015 So Far

Picture from google

Sorry to anyone who has been following my blog as I have not published anything in quite some time it seems. I always mean to but I never get the chance, every time I think about it, it’s always late or I can never figure out what to write about. So I’ll start off with how 2015 has been going…

Well, this isn’t from 2015 but in December 2014 I took my first trip! I went to Florida, we stayed in Daytona, Kissimmee and Daytona. We were there for about 12 days or so. I loved it. I was so scared to fly, my doctor gave me Xanax for emergencies for my panic attacks, and I had them the whole month leading up to leaving for Florida. We caught our flight from Bangor, which was a direct flight to Orlando. It is about a 3 or 4 hour drive from Saint John to get to Bangor. Once we got to the boarder we were pulled in to be questioned. Funny for my first time ever into the States. There was nothing to be suspicious about but I guess I had to get the full experience! Haha. After leaving there, the trip began to Bangor. Once we hit the airport I was calm, I wasn’t panicked or worried. After checking in, and going through security we waited to board the flight. I was a little bit worried about the place since I have never been on a place and from watching to much Mayday I was certain I was doomed if I was to ever fly. Bonus! I was so excited being on the flight, from taking off to landing. The guy next to Arthur asked him if this was my first time flying since I was so was so amazed by everything. Least to say, I’m not afraid to fly anymore and already looking forward to another trip. There was so much to see there and when getting off the flight to Orlando and going outside the heat was so different from what I’m use to, plus when we left it was bitterly cold and lots of snow on the ground. I wish I took more pictures but I guess from just being there I was amazed and in awe. I promise next time I go on a trip, I’ll be sure to take lots of pictures so I can post them on here for everyone to see 🙂

January wasn’t much of anything, started back at work, but in February our family lost someone very dear to us. Donna. She was taken from us too soon and without warning. She had an aneurism in her heart. We all thought she had the flu, but never could have imagined this… I remember going to her place in Nova Scotia as a child every summer before moving to Saint John to be closer with family. Even being in the same city I do wish I could have seen her more often than I did, but I’m sure anyone wishes this. Especially when our loved ones are taken too soon from us without warning.

Donna and John sharing a dance at their 50th wedding anniversary in 2013.
Donna and John sharing a dance at their 50th wedding anniversary in 2013.

At the funeral there was a lovely picture of her and a beautifully written blurb. Here is what it says word for word since I do not have the scanner turned on and I’m writing this on Surface. Plus my printer/scanner isn’t hooked up to this.

Donna was a stubborn, opinionated, and a had an endless supply of attitude. Still, there isn’t a single aspect of her we would ever change. Her personality was a reflection of her passion for life. Donna was also energetic, strong, with a will that could mountains. She was a small lady, but she was feisty. She was not typical, she was not comparable. She was extremely unique and absolutely irreplaceable. As husband, family and friends we have been so very blessed to have had her with us. The life and love she gave has enriched our lives in ways no one else ever could. We will cherish our memories of her, and carry her in our hearts.

Forever hers, as she is forever ours.

Although she has our enternal love; this isn’t goodbye, it is simply ta ta for now.

This was written up by her nephew and was so beautifully written. Although this does say a lot about the kind of woman she was, there are more things to say about her that could not be written down into words.

As February came to an end and March began there was a few more things that took a bump in the road. My mother had surgery to be tested for colon cancer. We are still awaiting the results of what they find. So please, keep her in your thoughts as she and I are going mad with the waiting game.

I’ve recently been tested for PCOS. If you don’t know that is it is called polycystic ovarian disease/syndrome. I am still waiting on the results of the test so I guess I’ll just sit back and wait.

I’ve also recently learned that I have an uncle from the Netherlands. He is the son of my moms dad. This was during the war, and had a son. He has been trying to contact our family for years and finally success. It has been amazing to talk to him and learn about him and his family. I still talk to him nearly everyday using Facebook messenger. Since I have been talking to him for quite some time I have been invited to visit. So right now going to be saving up and maybe looking into going next year sometime with Arthur. So I am looking forward to that.

Well I suppose that is this year so far, in the ways of being major. Other than that it has been day to day life. I promise to start writing more, so please keep reading on my blog! Even though I don’t know who is reading (if anyone is) I appreciate you taking the time out of your day/night to read my blog.

Thank you all again! ❤