Category Archives: Uncategorized

Give A Little Love

I came across this website and it allows other people whom remain anonymous to send you a constructive/nice message. So I decided to sign up for it, so far no messages but then again it hasn’t been long since I’ve posted my page on a social media platform. I figured I would share it as well. Maybe leave some love, or yourself sign up and also receive some love.

https://courtenaysutton.sarahah.com/

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The Wedding

Questions And Second Guessing Your Decisions On Every Detail

Weeks leading up the wedding your always wondering questions, did I count the final number rights, does the timeline fit with everything else. What about that seating chart? Does everything look right? Can everyone get into the reception long before guests arrive? … These are a just a few questions racking my head as the weeks, than days leading up until my wedding. Over all everything was taken care of and I finally stopped stressing out so much.

The Night Before

The night before the wedding we had to decorate the hall for the reception. We didn’t go over the top but it was beautiful, everyone was there to help, my mom dad and step mom, my maid of honor and bridesmaid. Arthur’s main family and a few close friends. There was also the caterer to set up tables.

They say bad weather before your wedding is a good omen, I know that to be true now as of the night before while we were decorating we had a gorgeous thunder and lightning show.

Now The Wedding Day

Let me begin with, everything went without a hitch minus me almost tripping behind the altar to sign the register but apparently no one knew. Things over all could have gone worse.

The day started bright and early to meet with my maid of honor and bridesbride and soon to be future mother in law and mom to go and get pretty. 9am, my photographer was already there, soon after my flower girl came with her mom and Aunt. It was in full swing, pictures being taken, hair and make up, and even 7 year olds putting my wedding shoes on for the fun of it.

We decided to get ready at my mother in laws house because it is bigger and they don’t have animals so it was best not to walk down the aisle with my dogs black fur all over me. We ate, chatted, people started to come to get ready. I know my dress was taken for a grand tour getting pictures done outside. It was fun.

Everyone was beginning to get ready, my dad and step mom showed up because A. It’s customary for your father to drive you to the church and B. I wanted a picture of me (very confusingly at first) trying to put out his boutineer lol. I’m sure we got some great photos but I’ve never done one before so it was pretty foreign to me.

When I finally got ready after having someone help me into my dress, yeah you always need help but it’s a lot harder than it seems. I put my jewelry on, and I was amazed. I looked exactly how I wanted to. I felt beautiful. The photographer at this point had made my dad go out on the deck so he could be surprised (that’s when the boutineer happened) but us girls had our photos taken in different spots.

Dad, my maid of honor, bridesmaid and I in dad’s truck, we were off to the church. I’m known for never being on time, so I was pretty proud that I had minutes to spare before the wedding. Everyone knew how to enter as we had just a rehearsal 2 days before the wedding. Everything went great. My dad and mom walked me down the aisle, it was more than I could have asked for.

The ceremony was beautiful and I had a niece and close family friend read as well. It was a Catholic wedding without mass, so pretty straight forward. If you’re not sure, it’s basically readings and psalms. If we had a mass it would have been much much longer.

After the ceremony, we had pictures taken, and then the reception! We had a grand entrance, hey, it’s our wedding day so might as well do everything fun and great! The reception was great, food, some games, dancing and all around a good time with friends and family. A teacher of mine even stopped over during the reception to see me, it meant a lot to me that she did that. We got a few pictures taken together as well.

All in all, the day was great, it was a perfect day weather and wedding wise. The only thing I found is that it went by way too quickly for me. Although we will have pictures of that day to look at and the memories.

13 Reasons, Suicide

NORTHERN-SUICIDEFor Suicide Rates in Canada click this link http://www.statcan.gc.ca/tables-tableaux/sum-som/l01/cst01/hlth66a-eng.htm

For Suicide Rates in the US click this link https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/

I’ve been debating for a while now whether or not to blog about the book/Netflix series Thirteen Reasons Why, it’s a bit of two-sided coin so to say. I personally watched the show first than read the book, the show was raw, emotional, and heartbreaking, as for the book it was emotional but I found the series to be more.

If you’ve watched the series or read the book than you know what is all about. Suicide. Yes, I said it. Suicide. Most shocking, suicide in teens. The fall out of everything that can lead up to it and showing how people are left to figure out how it happened. There isn’t much talk about mental health in my personal opinion, depression and other mental illnesses have made there way from being taboo although suicide is still a hush subject. It should be more talked about, there shouldn’t be a taboo on the subject because in fact, a lot of people think about it or take action.

So lets take a moment to talk about it shall we? Personally, I have suicide idealization. For years I kept that hidden in a vault never to speak about it, but over the past few years I did start talking about to people I trusted. Than to my doctor. I’ve had huge support and I’ve also had jabs thrown at me, usually the most hurtful are “why would you have anything to be suicidal about?” First off, please don’t say that to someone, it’s hurtful and in some cases can lead to something. Secondly, be supportive, even if you don’t get it, be there. Suggest speaking to a doctor or someone they trust. Even though most people (suicidal or not) do know that suicide doesn’t fix the problem, but they don’t see the light at the end. They don’t see that there is support, they aren’t trying to figure out the future. We will reach out for help but if it goes unnoticed we’ll feel like we are burden to people, that we don’t matter. I’ve lost friends to suicide, I have and still deal with suicide on my own end. It’s not easy, its a long hard road. It’s something people don’t want to talk about, there are hundreds of excuses we can come up with to avoid the subject. DON’T.

Back to the show, watching the show I couldn’t stop watching, but at the same time, knew what Hannah was thinking, now my better judgement told me not to watch it, but I did. The feelings, past and present that came up and all but flooded me. It was in a way a trigger, I hope you know what I mean by that. It was a show that needed to be put out there, it is something that speaks volumes all on its own, so I’m not going to be critic here. You either liked it, or you didn’t. You either get it, or you don’t. I will say that suicide happens way too often and it needs to be discussed more. There are support groups on the internet, doctors, trusted friends, and so forth. Talking about it is the first step to getting help.

You owe it to yourself to seek help.

If you are in Canada and find yourself in a situation please click on the link, it gives hotlines to your province if you need help if you are thinking about suicide.

http://suicideprevention.ca/need-help/

 

If you are in the US and find yourself in a situation, please call the National Suicide Hotline which connects you to the nearest crisis centre.

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

 

Life In 2017 So Far With a Bit Of 2016 Thrown In

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I should be writing more into my blog, as there is so much I want type but I never do, I have the app on my phone as well as my tablet. I have a computer, so why is it I never write? I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t write is because I’m so worried about what other people will think of me. I think maybe it’s because my thoughts and rants will make people think less of me somehow. This isn’t how I wanted to start my first blog of the year, so let us get on with my true purpose for this blog.

We’re only 13 days into the new year, and so far it’s been pretty good. Back track a bit into 2016, my dog Trapper turned 1 in October, he was spoiled during his birthday.PC240222.JPG

Christmas was also a really good time, it’s the last Christmas as a “single” person with my dad and family. My dad made it really special, it wasn’t like other past Christmas’ before, so I really reveled in it. My uncle Bob was over, my brother Scott his fiancé Reeva and my niece Sarah came over for the day and had dinner. I don’t normally don’t get to see them so I was extremely happy to have them there. I took a few pictures of Christmas, here are a few.

Those are some of the photo’s I took on Christmas day. Funny enough my brother, uncle and dad all bought each other the same jacket. Apparently everyone had the same idea.

Shortly before Christmas Arthur and I had our engagement photos done by Pristine Photography. Here is a couple of them. She’s an amazing person and amazing to work with as well.

My fiancée was home until the 7th of January which was nice to have him home for 3 weeks, he is now back in Alberta working, sadly I won’t see him until June. Since we are getting married in New Brunswick I have to stay here to work on the wedding and meet with people still. Our wedding is in July, the day is coming closer than I can imagine. My wedding dress is suppose to come in next month sometime, which I’m extremely excited for, fittings and seeing it again, and also the shoes I have for my dress, it’s going to be more real than it was before. I’m taking my mom to pick up my dress since my dad doesn’t want to see the dress until the day of, which I really like.  Since my fiancée was home we were able to get him fitted for his tux, pick out our wedding bands and also meet with the Father. I got readings approved for the wedding, which is a great relief so I was able to send out the readings to my niece and a family friend Alyson.

Since we aren’t very far into the new year there hasn’t been a lot of stuff that has gone on day to day. Overall, I’m assuming this year will go by very fast, with a lot of ups and I’m sure stress.

 

Also check out the “About Me” section as I’ve added other ways you can follow me on different social media platforms.

If You Look At Me

If you look at me, I look like an average 27 year old, I’m engaged, I do things that you would normally expect. If you look at me closely, you can see me fidget, my eyes flickering, I’m sweating, I look nervous. If you could look through my eyes you would see I don’t feel like an average 27 year old, I feel like I don’t belong in my own body, I feel life has thrown me a huge curve ball that I can’t ditch.
You see, I suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and recently diagnosed with PTSD. I also have an under active thyroid, acid reflex, BPD, and insomnia. That is a lot under a belt of a young woman; I haven’t been able to work in 6 years due to my mental illness. I’ve suffered from panic attacks and depression since I was little but went undiagnosed until 2010, in May of this year my city Fort McMurray burnt, I lost my home, I lost everything. I was diagnosed with PTSD in July of 2016.
Many people don’t see me as I feel, they don’t understand. I try and explain but most times I get confused looks or an apologetic smile. There are people who I thought I could count on have now abandoned me, think my mental illness is nothing but ‘in my head’ and I should be able to live a normal life. It’s because if you look at me, you don’t see an illness, you just see me. Someone who can keep a conversation if I try, go to places if my day is ok, someone who is always there for people regardless and try to help people as much as I can.
The thing is, you don’t see the amount of pills I have to take everyday just get through that day, you don’t see my mind turning a million miles a minute going through every scenario when you ask me to go to the mall because I’m scared my anxiety and panic attacks will show up. If you look at me, really look at me and get to know me you know easy decisions are big decisions for me to make. I can’t just get up and go out to a market, or go out for a walk, my mental illness keeps me prisoner of most things. With a lot of help in the past 6 years I can do small stores now. That is a big achievement and while most people think nothing of going to your local drug store that was and sometimes still is a huge thing for me.
But if you look at me, you won’t see all of this, you’ll see me and how I appear on the outside, but if you know me and look at me you will see I’m trying to battle my mental illness, that I do it every day multiple times through out the day, and I am not just my illness, I am a fighter.

Dear Me

Dear Me,

You should have listened more when you were younger, what your parents said, everything that they said you could have become; you really should have listened. You’ll figure out that it’s not nagging, it is because they want the best for you. I know you have a big heart, and from an early age we realized that. We took things way to hard when it could have been taken more lightly. You are going to have a lot of trouble in school starting in middle school, you’ll be going into grade six, we think it’s going to be awesome. You’ll soon learn that it wasn’t the case. You will find out how hard it can be, it’s the year you’ll have your first kiss, make memories with some pretty amazing people, but it’s going to have some downsides too. You are going to experience being bullied, you’ll push it down because you won’t want others knowing exactly how much that hurt, so you’re going to laugh it off like it’s no big deal, when in reality, you should talk to someone. You don’t know this yet, but it going down a bad path, I want you to stop and think about this because it is going to effect your entire life forward. I know you won’t, that’s just not who you are. You’re going to experience what it’s like to be an “outsider” in middle school, your last year. You won’t sit with anyone at lunch, and that’s not because you don’t want to, it’s because, no one will. You have no idea why, and when you’re older you still won’t know.

Now we’re going into high school, it’s suppose to be great. You are suppose to have the best 4 years of your life. There are 3 high schools to chose from because you’ll be in the city now, majority will go to one, the rest of us divide into the two other high schools. You will be so excited to get your acceptance letter in the mail letting you know that you got in. This school was your dream school, you knew all about it, knew they looked at records of past in school and you got in. Congratulations. You are going to be amazed and proud. By now you know you have huge compassion for people you care about. This is going to get you into trouble, and you’re going to hang out with the wrong set of people at first. You’ll experiment with drugs and take up smoking. Please don’t take up smoking, it’s going to stick with you. You’ll have your first drink at 13, go to parties. Your grades are going to plummet, by that I mean you won’t get anything above at 40% because your too busy with your image, parties, skipping school, and getting high. Your going to feel fine because what bothers you isn’t bubbling up anymore, you’ve pushed it down. Remember that compassion? Your going to say the wrong thing in Theatre Arts class and someone isn’t going to take it the right way. You end up being dragged down out of school property an you get into a fight. Believe me, you’re going to try and stay inside that school and it works for a few days, but you’ll let your guard down. You should say something, to anyone or a teacher. You end up getting your ass kicked, don’t worry though, you do get some good punches in for not having to fight before. You’ll get suspended, and so will the other person. Now is your time to say something, to your parents or someone you trust! This is just the beginning of how another moment is going to push you. I can see depression, you won’t and again you’ll push it down. You will however, learn to love the piano/keyboard. Your going to get one for Christmas that year. Unfortunately you fail grade 9.

The next year you won’t want to go to back that high school and refuse to leave home. Your mom pleads on the phone with another high school, after a couple of weeks, they have room for you at another one. Just like that your going to change schools, your going to miss the first one, but you know it’s better. You’re going to meet someone, you’ll be together for 3 1/2 years. Please don’t let it go by the first year cause it’s not going to be healthy. All that hurt and anger since sixth grade is coming out now. You aren’t going to know how to deal with it. I wish you would have talked to someone. Your going to self harm, your going to feel a lot of that pain and darkness escape, this is your go to whenever you feel upset, because you think it works. It doesn’t. I wish you seek help now!

You are going to have your first heart break, it’s a lot more than you thought, you feel everything so intensely. You use your “go to,” please don’t. You heart will mend, your going to meet someone, GET OUT NOW. I’ll save you the unpleasantness, but get out before it starts. You won’t finish high school, you’ll spend 4 years, and make it to grade 12. You’ll drop out because of him and because you feel have no other choice. Your going to regret prom, and university. You’ll never experience them, and you’ll never study in the field you want. Please stay in school, turn things around, maybe you can do better by us this time around.

Three years later your going to feel all that pushed down regret, sadness, and anger, it’s going to come at you like a train. You will soon learn you have a panic attack disorder and sever depression. Everything goes down hill from that point on. You won’t be able to work for 4 years, and even after that it’s hard. A lot of medication and a lot of trail and error for that medication to make itself seem like you are finally normal. You aren’t cured, you know it but it feels like it…

Dear me, please talk to someone when this all started in middle school. You might be better off, you might be able to avoid all this. Don’t forget that I left out all the happy stuff, I want that to be a surprise. Just know there are other things greater than how you feel at the time…

Stay how you are. It’s a big part of you, and it’s going to help you in the long run.

In 5 Months

March.20th 2014 I lost Bear, he passed away from advanced kidney failure. We didn’t know what was wrong, we honestly thought he had caught a bug.

A little over 5 months later September 6th 2014 I brought my dog into the vet because he had an infection in his ears, everything was going good, the vet told us he had a yeast infection and ear drops were in order. Where Nimmer was 6 she wanted to do some basic things to make sure he was good to go. No big deal, he got the once over and had blood taken. We left knowing the vet would call my cell phone with the results of Nimmer ‘s result.

We didn’t make it home and the vet called and had said that we needed to go back where she found something concerning. I knew something was wrong.

Back at the vet I sat there nervously waiting for the vet to come in and tell me what was going on… According to my boys blood test he had a red blood count of 14. In a normal dog it’s suppose to be 40 to 60. And his reading for his kidneys were so high their machine couldn’t read it.
That was it, all I heard after she said that, that Nimmer was severely ill internally.

There wasn’t anything I could do to help him. The vet wasn’t sure if his low blood count was due to the kidneys or a bleeding tumor in his stomach, which most of the time is cancerous and do not have a high outcome. She explained treatment options but every option would counteract with something he had wrong, and with everything he had developed a heart murmur.

She was surprised that Nimmer hadn’t passed away before bringing him to the vet…. Wait, come again? How didn’t I see the signs? Am I that oblivious that I couldn’t see my dog was sick? No, apparently I wasn’t. She let me know that dogs will not show discomfort unless need be. So how long was my dog sick for? I have no idea. I did know that I wanted to bring him home and let him pass away with me his mom. That wasn’t going to happen where if he did she couldn’t tell me it would be peaceful. That was the line. I knew I had to put my dog to rest. There was nothing I could do to save him nor anything they could do.

I can’t remember how long I sat there and hugged him telling him I loved him so much and that I was thankful I was able to call him my dog and that the 6 years I had with him were amazing….

He’s buried at our home, facing the water, he loved to swim. He’s no longer sick and he’s no longer suffering.

I’m left with the guilt of wishing I could have saved him, laying in my room is empty because his side of the bed is empty. There is no big cuddle dog there to nudge me when he’s sleepy, no stretching his paws at me to knock my phone out of my hands because he wants a belly rub. I miss him more then I can put into words. He was my first dog, my Nimmer, my baby boy, and my handsome man. I love you Nimmer.  RIP

Nimmer –

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It’s Been Awhile…

For those of you who follow my posts I am sorry I haven’t written on here in awhile. The last few months have been hectic and I haven’t really had time to turn on the computer at all. All in all, everything has been good; more doctor appointments then I can handle and had a nice vacation in Miramichi 🙂 Which is what I love when the warmer weather hits.

We recently had Hurricane Arthur hit us over this past weekend, but the time it us it was considered a tropical storm, either way the damage was pretty good. A lot of broken trees, uprooted trees, power outages, and people still are without power.
Here is a brief news article http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/new-brunswick/saint-john-plans-to-help-residents-clean-up-after-arthur-1.2699559

Here are some pictures of what Hurricane Arthur left us. The first two are of someone taking advantage of the storm in their own way.

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Now what is more interesting is after the storm left, they found a skeleton buried under one of the trees that was uprooted.

The news article can be found here.
http://atlantic.ctvnews.ca/church-members-make-bone-chilling-discovery-after-arthur-uproots-tree-1.1904654

Please feel free to comment on my post if you have anything to say.

By St.Augustine

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earth quake and then subsides, and when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part, because that is what love is. Love is not breathlessness. It is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your Mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other under ground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found were one tree, not two.

– St. Augustine