Tag Archives: Mental Health

My Story..

Not too long ago a friend of mine is doing a project to give to Jared Padalecki in April, she asked us for our story, simply, our life with our mental illness, how Jared himself has helped, and how our family (AKF- Always Keep Fighting) has helped us. I gave her my story after having a few people read it to see if it was good. I got a lot of good responses on it so I decided to post it on my blog for others to see. Hopefully it can help someone, maybe they will reach out or maybe no one will read it so it will be put into cyber-internet for no one to see.. Either way, here it goes.

 

I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia, and most recently PTSD.

In March,2010 I was currently working at a call center for Philips Products. I loved my job and looked forward to going each day. A few weeks before April I started having nightmares, they were when I was travelling to work by city transit, which is what I always did so it was nothing foreign to me. In my nightmare when the bus was travelling over the Reversing Falls Bridge the bus would go off the road towards the cliff and we would go over, I’d wake up then. I should have taken it as a warning but I didn’t think much of it.

About a week after the dreams started when I started taking the bus I would get really nervous and my hands would be sweaty. Once I did the transfer to the other bus that went towards my work it was a few short minutes than I would be fine, after work taking the bus was fine, I was having no issues.

Usually around that time of year work was really slow so we were allowed to call in before shift to see if they needed us, if not we were allowed the day off without pay. I was hoping to get this day off because my mother and I were supposed to go to the mall where I transferred buses so I could pick something out for a dress I was going to be wearing to a graduation of a friend. To my luck, it wasn’t busy and was able to have the day off.

My mother and I took the bus to the mall, the same bus I took to go to work before transferring, around the same time on the bus my hands got sweaty and I tried to focus on something else. It always worked in the past, but it didn’t feel right this time. The feeling which I now know as anxiety went away and we arrived at the mall. When we got the mall I started feeling the anxiety again and told my mom I needed to use the bathroom. I raced towards the bathroom and went into the stall. I sat down and tried to will the feeling to go away but it just got worse. I was getting sweatier, my vision didn’t feel right, like I couldn’t focus on anything, my stomach was doing flips, my heart felt like it was going to burst from my chest. My mother at this time came in to see what was taking so long, I felt embarrassed because there was other ladies in the stalls and I could only yell out that I would be another minute. When I finally thought, I could get this under control and everything in my body calmed down I came out and told my mom what had happened. We walked up the hall towards a store and it all rushed back into my body and I started freaking out, I told my mom that I was going to go outside for a smoke, she was preoccupied and I don’t think she really heard me. I ran outside tears streaming down my eyes, my body shaking, and all the other things I felt in the stall were happening. I remember the time, it was shortly after 12pm because my dad was on lunch at work. I called him and told him what was happening, he stayed on the phone with me listening to me and trying to keep me calm. He told me to call a cab and go back to my moms. After he let me go I remember seeing a construction worker watching me and thinking if something happens he will see. I called the cab and it arrived within minutes. I didn’t even think about my mom. I was running towards to the cab to jump in and mom yelling out my name running after me. She got into the cab and she was clearly upset with me, I told the cab driver where to go. In 10 minutes, we were home. I paid and ran into the apartment. My mom yelled and she didn’t understand what was going on, I tried to explain but she didn’t understand. I felt very sick to my stomach. Every day after that for a week I called in sick because I was scared to leave the house. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. After 2 weeks my father came by and told me we were going to see my doctor. I was clearly not doing well and he needed to know what was wrong. The 20 minute drive felt like forever and I was constantly drinking water because it felt like that was the only thing I could do to keep calm. My doctor diagnosed me with severe anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I was given medication and a follow up with a doctors note stating I was off of work for four months on medical leave.

Ultimately, I was also diagnosed with agoraphobia, I lost my job in November,2010 because I was hardly able to stay at work long enough without having another attack.

They were constantly changing my medication and I was seeing a mental health worker. I was put on medical leave until further notice.

I suffered with it in silence for years because neither my parents or friends understood what I was going through. One day while just browsing Facebook for Supernatural related things I came across a group called AKF Always Keep Fighting. I requested to join, and immediately found what I needed, a FAMILY. Hundreds of other people who were going through what I was. I found a place where I felt I belong. I was never turned away or felt unwanted. I knew Jared Padalecki suffered from a mental illness but I never knew he had shirts/sweaters/tanks through a website that helped. I missed the first one, and everyone after that I had gotten a hoodie from his campaigns. I even got one from Jim Beaver’s campaign that had said “Family don’t end in blood.” All these sweaters were very important to me and I learned more about TWLOHA. Jared became more than just actor, he became some one I could relate to because he never hid his mental illness. It was something everyone in our SPN family could relate to and become apart of. Those hoodies meant the world to me, knowing I was apart of a fandom, a family, a collective support group.

Over the years from 2010 I was able to do more things but still suffer, I went to see a therapist and through a lot of hard work I had repressed memories from when I was child. I had always suffered from mental illness, I remember having panic attacks as a child and anxiety. It was a breakthrough but also a set back because I my brain had supressed memories and now they were haunting me.

In November 2015, I moved from Saint John, NB to Fort McMurray, AB, in May 2016 there was a wildfire that reached the town. I moved back home and seen someone and learned I had PTSD. I had lost everything in the fire. All my hoodies from the campaigns, things I can’t replace from family that is now gone.

My SPN family rushed to my side and people donated money to me to help me get back on my feet. I was overwhelmed with support from people all over the world. Even though I was going through a devastating time there was my family, supporting me, pushing me through. 

I couldn’t be more thankful to Jared, to my SPN family, the people I became close to over the years. The people who no matter what I share everything with and help. To these people, they have changed my life for the better, even when I feel like I can’t go on. I think of these people who help me push forward. I hope to meet Jared one day and be able to thank him in person for what he was done for me even though he doesn’t know. My story is far from over and I’m still trying to cope with everything but I’ve learned to be more open about my illness, I speak about it with people who are just learning about it. I lost all my friends when mine became too much and no one wanted to deal with me. I’ve learned it’s ok to have set backs, it’s ok to need help. It’s to Always Keep Fighting.

13 Reasons, Suicide

NORTHERN-SUICIDEFor Suicide Rates in Canada click this link http://www.statcan.gc.ca/tables-tableaux/sum-som/l01/cst01/hlth66a-eng.htm

For Suicide Rates in the US click this link https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/

I’ve been debating for a while now whether or not to blog about the book/Netflix series Thirteen Reasons Why, it’s a bit of two-sided coin so to say. I personally watched the show first than read the book, the show was raw, emotional, and heartbreaking, as for the book it was emotional but I found the series to be more.

If you’ve watched the series or read the book than you know what is all about. Suicide. Yes, I said it. Suicide. Most shocking, suicide in teens. The fall out of everything that can lead up to it and showing how people are left to figure out how it happened. There isn’t much talk about mental health in my personal opinion, depression and other mental illnesses have made there way from being taboo although suicide is still a hush subject. It should be more talked about, there shouldn’t be a taboo on the subject because in fact, a lot of people think about it or take action.

So lets take a moment to talk about it shall we? Personally, I have suicide idealization. For years I kept that hidden in a vault never to speak about it, but over the past few years I did start talking about to people I trusted. Than to my doctor. I’ve had huge support and I’ve also had jabs thrown at me, usually the most hurtful are “why would you have anything to be suicidal about?” First off, please don’t say that to someone, it’s hurtful and in some cases can lead to something. Secondly, be supportive, even if you don’t get it, be there. Suggest speaking to a doctor or someone they trust. Even though most people (suicidal or not) do know that suicide doesn’t fix the problem, but they don’t see the light at the end. They don’t see that there is support, they aren’t trying to figure out the future. We will reach out for help but if it goes unnoticed we’ll feel like we are burden to people, that we don’t matter. I’ve lost friends to suicide, I have and still deal with suicide on my own end. It’s not easy, its a long hard road. It’s something people don’t want to talk about, there are hundreds of excuses we can come up with to avoid the subject. DON’T.

Back to the show, watching the show I couldn’t stop watching, but at the same time, knew what Hannah was thinking, now my better judgement told me not to watch it, but I did. The feelings, past and present that came up and all but flooded me. It was in a way a trigger, I hope you know what I mean by that. It was a show that needed to be put out there, it is something that speaks volumes all on its own, so I’m not going to be critic here. You either liked it, or you didn’t. You either get it, or you don’t. I will say that suicide happens way too often and it needs to be discussed more. There are support groups on the internet, doctors, trusted friends, and so forth. Talking about it is the first step to getting help.

You owe it to yourself to seek help.

If you are in Canada and find yourself in a situation please click on the link, it gives hotlines to your province if you need help if you are thinking about suicide.

http://suicideprevention.ca/need-help/

 

If you are in the US and find yourself in a situation, please call the National Suicide Hotline which connects you to the nearest crisis centre.

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

 

If You Look At Me

If you look at me, I look like an average 27 year old, I’m engaged, I do things that you would normally expect. If you look at me closely, you can see me fidget, my eyes flickering, I’m sweating, I look nervous. If you could look through my eyes you would see I don’t feel like an average 27 year old, I feel like I don’t belong in my own body, I feel life has thrown me a huge curve ball that I can’t ditch.
You see, I suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and recently diagnosed with PTSD. I also have an under active thyroid, acid reflex, BPD, and insomnia. That is a lot under a belt of a young woman; I haven’t been able to work in 6 years due to my mental illness. I’ve suffered from panic attacks and depression since I was little but went undiagnosed until 2010, in May of this year my city Fort McMurray burnt, I lost my home, I lost everything. I was diagnosed with PTSD in July of 2016.
Many people don’t see me as I feel, they don’t understand. I try and explain but most times I get confused looks or an apologetic smile. There are people who I thought I could count on have now abandoned me, think my mental illness is nothing but ‘in my head’ and I should be able to live a normal life. It’s because if you look at me, you don’t see an illness, you just see me. Someone who can keep a conversation if I try, go to places if my day is ok, someone who is always there for people regardless and try to help people as much as I can.
The thing is, you don’t see the amount of pills I have to take everyday just get through that day, you don’t see my mind turning a million miles a minute going through every scenario when you ask me to go to the mall because I’m scared my anxiety and panic attacks will show up. If you look at me, really look at me and get to know me you know easy decisions are big decisions for me to make. I can’t just get up and go out to a market, or go out for a walk, my mental illness keeps me prisoner of most things. With a lot of help in the past 6 years I can do small stores now. That is a big achievement and while most people think nothing of going to your local drug store that was and sometimes still is a huge thing for me.
But if you look at me, you won’t see all of this, you’ll see me and how I appear on the outside, but if you know me and look at me you will see I’m trying to battle my mental illness, that I do it every day multiple times through out the day, and I am not just my illness, I am a fighter.

My Doctor *Sigh*

Going Crazy!

Well let me start off by saying that my Doctor, needs a Doctor….

Before my anxiety and panic attacks reared their ugly head and sent my world into a spinning world of chaos and never ending Doctor visits, I liked my Doctor, even when people said that he wasn’t a good doctor, maybe I should have taken their advice?

He was always pleasant, easy to get along with, seemed to care, and I always left happy and content in what he said.

Recently, by recently I mean the past couple of years I’ve been wondering his ability to actually do his job. Did he just get a cereal box, got a PHD and became a doctor? No, probably not, but it feels like he did. I know some people can relate to doctors like this, and others can’t, for those of who can’t, please don’t think I’m saying all this for the sake of it. No, indeed I have reasons.

When I first came to him with what I had he was eager to help *yay* … Slowly after a while he got less and less enthused to see me. As of my last visit, he laughed at me and said “I’ve done all the magic I could, and unless you have a lot of money to pay for real therapy, I suggest you go to mental health.” Yes… Ponder that for a moment. Ok, done? Now not only did he say this to a patient, who’s been seeing him for the past 10 years, but he laughed and said the above quote. He’s only EVER tried me on 3 different types of anti-anxiety/panic attack medication, which I never knew there were only three kinds of the drug out there *sarcasm to maximum degree possible* so I’m sorry.. He has only ever referred me to one other doctor, whose idea of therapy was to tell me what I did wrong, after almost a year I cut the cord on our relationship. I have been to mental health (which is free mind you) on three separate occasions, only to have them either not take a interest, try and literally bombard my life (in every way possible) and become some sort of therapy mother, and of course the rudeness of it all. I realize that there isn’t much help available to mental health patients when it requires more then just the once over, take this, your good, live your life. I know that’s not in all occasions. But it feels like it is here in this city.

I would go to Mental Health again if I knew I could actually go, I started school to get my GED in November 2013, so I don’t really have all that much time, they aren’t open on the weekends and they close at 4pm during weekdays. It doesn’t really fit into my schedule. I know some people are saying I’m making excuses, and blah blah blah. But I’m really not. I’m always at the doctors, because every month he wants to see me, and he never tells me why, and when I do go he asks why I even came. I don’t know, but it just seems to me that there could be a better doctor out there for me to actually have. But with it being practically impossible right now to have a family doctor, I’m stuck with him. There is a huge waiting list to even get a family doctor, and unless it’s critical you don’t move up the line or even put.

My doctor stresses me out more then one should. He recently just sent me for blood tests (no big deal) and an EKG. Now, my brother has a heart problem that wasn’t caught until 2013, and he needed to have a valve replaced, so shortly after his surgery I was sent in for blood tests and echo-cardiogram, everything came back normal, so I’m not exactly sure why an EKG was necessary? I am happy he’s doing something that is suppose to be done. But what I don’t understand is why he feels the need to practically give up on me when it comes to my mental health. It’s a question I will never have answered, and unfortunately me and him will have our relationship until he retires or I can some how find another doctor.

Maybe, it would be better for the patients to interview the doctors to see if they really are the right fit for them. pfffft.

How ‘You’ Still Cripple Me

April 2010, over three years, countless medications, countless methods from seeing a therapist (3 of them) a self help book, talking to people in my situation, and I still feel like I’ve made little progress.

I suppose I’m not the same girl who three agos couldn’t walk into a small convenient store who immediately felt panic sink in, sweaty, shaky, and trying my best to labor my breathing. I can go into small less, crowded stores now. Being outside with too many people still makes the anxiety go a bit high.

I don’t think I’ve been cured, if anything the medication just seems to have taken off the extreme fear. If anything I feel like I’ve now managed just to accept it and deal with the constant reminder that I’m no longer the girl in use to be when anxiety rears it’s ugly head. Which seems to be more often then before.

I still remember what it was like to live without this mental kick in the head. I remember how much I took for granted. Just walking into a crowded area or taking a bus. Those things that I once took for granted have been taken away from me and have been replaced with fear and panic. Simple things that I did everyday of my life have become a challenge more times then not, and have the ability to bring me to my knees.

I often wonder why I was met with this challenge. It feels like my life has been turned upside down and inside out. Being around me in a place where I’m comfortable you wouldn’t know I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, and depression.

The only thing this hasn’t taken is my personality. Everything else feels robbed. I’ve lost friends, lost things I loved doing.

I’m sure someday this will eventually go away and I’ll no longer be a prisoner.

Everything Happens For A Reason, Or So It Goes

According to Aristotle, there is always a reason for everything that happens. Your experiences are designed to shape you, define you and, hopefully, grow you into the mightiest you possible.

Oh Aristotle, how your words ring true… To a point. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, which I said with everything good or bad that has happened in my life I always said “everything happens for a reason” yet it has been shaken to my very core.

Also, it is said that God will never put you into a situation you cannot handle. Again, I’m shaken to my very core.

I’ve always believed in God, and for those who don’t thats perfectly fine. I don’t attend church, I sin, I don’t believe every word in the Bible, but I do believe there is a God… Which brings me to my post.

These two things I’ve lived by in a way, maybe it’s because I needed something to help me through. Or maybe it’s another reason, comfort, knowing I’ll be alright? I’m not sure. But as of the past few years these two things that I’ve believed in so much has driven to me to a point of insanity. Don’t get me wrong, I have great people in my life, it’s what’s happening that has me scratching my head.

As of right now, my depression and anxiety, the constant arguing with my Father and step mother has me re-thinking these. I’ve been to therapy I’ve talked to people I confide in, I’m taking medication and have been, yet it’s never ending. Its always happening.

If everything happens for a reason, then what is the reason for the depression and panic attacks? Why is it that God has given me this? I feel like I’m in a hole and instead of getting out someone is throwing me a shovel to dig deeper.

I can’t answer these never ending questions, but I’m hoping the two things I’ve believed in for so long will show a reason.

Someone can only take so much before there is a breaking point, and I’ve hit mine a few times at full speed. So why?

No one can answer these, except me, and I’m not sure when I can. I feel like part of my life has been taken away. I do intend to get it back, as much as I struggle and the countless times I’ve said I’ve given up, I haven’t. I still keep trying to do things, I keep pushing myself even though its hard. I’m proud of myself when I go out and a panic attack comes and I try to get through it without having to leave the entire situation. But when it gets the best of me I hide in the corner and try to lick the wounds. I’m not sure when this chapter of my life will end and how it will all turn out, I’m hoping for the best though.

I’m thankful for the constant people in my life (which are far and few between) they have helped me and were there when I needed someone.